Christmas time...

I feel like I should tell everyone that this from my heart. I love my parents and my siblings very much and not in any way should anyone to feel bad for me because this is my life! I love it and it has made me into the person I am today.

I love Christmas but there are so many sad memories of Christmas. I sat here tonight and watched Dolly Parton's new movie "Coat of Many Colors" I cried through the whole movie. It was so much love in the Parton's family and the Love for God. They even got their daddy saved at the end of the movie. They even found love with the bullies at school.

The memories of my childhood came flooding in along with the memories of the rest of my life. I have had some Christmas's that I should just forget but they are a part of my life. Like the Christmas my dad gave our Santa gifts away to the neighborhood kid. His heart was in the right place because the dad  of the little girl was an alcoholic like he was, he was on his way to prison and had lost everything. But my daddy did not think about how me and my sister would feel he was just thinking about the little girl that was losing her daddy and he had no gifts for her.

 My aunt took my mom out on Christmas eve to buy us gifts. I don't remember any Christmas as a child that my dad was sober during Christmas. One Christmas he was drunk and woke me up to help him put a race track together for my little brother. Oh well They are my memories and I would not change them for the world. I love my daddy I was daddy's little girl. He had a heart of gold and I see myself in him more than I would like sometimes but most of it was his best side!

This also made me think about what has influenced my life to make me the person I am today. My childhood was my childhood and here again I would not change it. I have had a lot of people say I should write a book but I am not a writer and I don't always find my life that appealing to everyone else. The one thing that came to my mind tonight was what has made me selfish with gifts. When I was little before my sister came along I was a spoiled child. My parents had good jobs and I had a good life. Ponies, cats, dogs clothes, toys and anything my heart desired. Around the age 6 my sister was born and my whole life changed. I never realized until I was in my 20's exactly how this affected my life.

The story starts the day my sister was born my dad had left with some drinking buddies and ended up in Florida. My whole life ended has I had knew it. My mom, sister and me moved in with her brother and his family. This was hard on me. No dad a new baby and living with my uncle. My dad use to call me and talk to me on the phone crying and wanting to come home. I was only 6 years old. He finally came home when my sister was going on two years old.

He wanted so bad to have her attention. She was calling my uncle daddy and my dad hated that. He worked hard to get her love and for her to understand that he was her daddy. This did not take long but then it was not long my mom was having my brother. This is the time my dad was so proud he had a son, but this is also around the Christmas that he gave away and mom packed up and we left him again.  I always felt after that I had to fight for attention and stuff because I was the oldest and I was suppose to understand. I got so selfish and cried, threw a fit when I did not get what I wanted. Like the time I wanted a pair of boots but my brother needed them because he needed some leather shoes so his feet would get well. My sister got a pair to because their's cost less than mine because they were little and by then my foot had grown into a size 9. I got those boots for Christmas after crying and fussing. Then I wanted some Levis jeans. I wanted to be like everyone else at school. Same I cried and fuss until my uncle threw 50$ to my mom and told her to buy me some damn Levis.
But the worse was when I was in the 9th grade and I wanted a pair of green corduroy Levi overalls. It was Christmas and mom said there was no way she could afford them. I really showed my self over these stupid overalls and cried fussed and yelled at my poor mom until she finally told me she had bought them for me for Christmas. I was so ugly.  I hate that now! I don't remember ever telling her I am sorry that I was so ugly. I know that she would forgive me. I miss my parents so much.

Now at age 48 my parents have been dead for 22 years. I still feel selfish sometimes when it comes to things I want but I have tried hard not to want everything right now. I still have times that I get on kicks that I must have something but I talk myself out of it sometimes.

Thanks for stoping by and if you read it to the end God bless you!