day 12 Can do Words

"I Can't" Famous words that I am sure that everyone has used at one time or another. I have said it many times!! I can't lose weight, I can't do it, I can't, I can't, I can't.  My mom use to tell me that "can't could never do anything". I have to say she is right. I miss my mom and her words of wisdom. I never thought she knew what she was talking about, you know how it was when you are a kid. Now that I am close to the same age she was when she died I realize how much she knew and I miss hearing her tell me her little sayings. Like, "let's get through today before we start worrying about tomorrow". "Don't throw rocks in a glass house". I can do a lot but a lot of times I am just lazy and give excuses. I just hope that I always have to strength and the courage to try to accomplish all of my dreams. Love you mom!!

Well today has been the second day of 100 + temperatures. We have not had any rain in a long time and everything is drying up and dying. We had a cookout today with Judy, Larry, Laura, Van, Dalton and grandma. Dallas was not able to come because he has a new job. We really had a good time visiting with them and getting what will be our last visit with Dalton for a while. He will be leaving in about 2 weeks to go into the Marines. I am very proud of him even though I have never really gotten to know him very well. I pray that he will do very good in the Marines and that he will not have to go to war. It is hard to see my nephews grow up, get their license, graduating high school, and now leaving for college and the marines. I am happy for them but sad for me. I know this is selfish to say and I know it even as I type the words. I have an almost 20 year son and a almost 17 year old son that have Fragile X syndrome. They will never get their license, graduate with a diploma from high school, or leave for college or anything else that other children/young adults will do. I am proud of them and all of their accomplishment and I would not trade them or my life with them for anything in the world!!

Day 11 Don't get "Defeeted"

Today in the book it is about getting new walking shoes. I probably could use a new pair but I do not have the funds to buy any right now. I was starting to get defeated with losing weight though. I have been trying to lose weight since June 12 and I have finally lost 4 pounds but to me this is very sad and I feel very defeated. I decided yesterday with that challenge to journal and exercise everyday for 1 week to see if this would make a difference lets see if it will work. Well I guess I need to go do my exercise I have to can some peaches today. Wish me a great day and that I stay on track.

Day 10 Regaining Control

Today I am suppose to write down a list of things I would like to improve.
1. my weight
2. my exercising
3. my journaling
4. being happy
5. Less cussing (stop)
Any other time I could figure out so many other things. I do not feel my best today. I really need to exercise. but can I make my self.

Day 9 Support: We all NEED It

Support... I must ponder on this for a while. Maybe not. I have always needed support in every aspect of my life. I always tell my husband, siblings, mother-in-law and friends I am very needy. I feel like most people think that I am out going and independent but deep in side this is not the case. I need support when it comes to advice, diet, my children, my life, and everything else. A lot of times I feel all alone and that no one completely understands me. I have days where I don't know why I even try. Sometimes life gets me down even the simple little things push me off the deep end. I sometimes wonder if I need to be on anti-depressants because I do feel depressed sometimes. When it comes to diet I need a mind set, I need a buddy to talk to every day and I need someone to exercise with. I feel like this is why I am not having any success right now. But then again when I do have someone I cheat if that person is losing and I am not. I know that this sound selfish but I don't quite understand it myself. I have come to find out though that the older I get and my boys get, I have less and less friends and opportunities to do anything on my own. Here I go sounding selfish again but facts or facts. It is hard to be me!! Instead of like Gene Simmons would say it is good to be me!! LOL. I even feel like God lets me down sometimes even though I really know better. It is like a friend said on her blog "When no one else understands". This is some parts of her blog that I can really associate with.
1.   Joy FM played the song "Jesus Will." The lyrics say, "when no one else understands how you feel, Jesus will." This morning, I'll admit, that made me mad. I thought to myself, "Yeah right! I don't recall the Bible story where Jesus was working full time and dealing with his three sons every morning." I only have 2 but I have had these mornings and days when you feel like no one cares.
2. "I was listening to 89.5 today and they were talking about God's anger. I thought, "why would God be so mean? Why would we want to serve someone that was so easily angered?" After a minute, I realized that He should get mad at us. He gives us all we that we need and we're being ungrateful children by not listening to what He says for us to do. It's just like when we get mad at the boys - we give them so much, but they still disobey us. They want stuff they don't need and it aggravates us. Same thing with God - He gives us so much, but we disobey. We want stuff we don't need and it aggravates God. So it makes sense that He'd get mad at us."
I have really enjoyed reading her blog she is so inspirational and I am enjoying finding new inspirational blog to read to support me.
Like she says: We may live our life's like cows thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the pasture"

Day 8 Exposing yourself

Oh boy just what I wanted to read this morning exposing my self.... I wants me to weight and take a before picture in a bathing suit like they do on the biggest loser. I am not sure that I am up to this I have been private and I don't really know if I want a picture of myself on my blog in a bathing suit or a sports bra and shorts. I guess if I really think about it. I am fat with clothes on or off it is just prettier not to see dimply fat!!! I have been trying to lose weight every since June 11th and I have only lost 2 .2 lbs. I know that I have days that I have not ate like really healthy everyday, but I have done so much better. I hate this new older body me. I think about my mom when she was my age she could still lose weight at a reasonable rate. I know they say losing weight at a slow rate is better but a pound a week is not to much to ask, is it? I am going to write down everything I eat for one week and see if I can find out the problem. I am also going to do my exercise without excuses. Alright I am going to go take a picture of my self and if it is worse than the picture I have already posted I am not sure if it will get posted. Going to exercise to!! 

OMG did I just do this!!! This is really exposing more than I or probably anyone else wanted to see this morning.

Day 7 It is Monday Morning for sure

Well the clock went off at 8:00 this morning so that we could get up and run to Candor to Jack's supply to get chicken house supplies before it gets to hot. I got up and took a shower and Frank shaved. While I was getting ready Frank took a shower and his phone started ringing. When it rings this early in the morning usually someone is needing something. I said "do you want me to answer it?" Which he did and sure enough it was his dad. His parents are leaving this morning going to Virginia for a short vacation. Well his dad wanted to know where Frankie was and I told him he was in the shower. He starts in by telling me that a maple tree has fallen across the drive to the cow pasture and has to be removed now because a man is on his way to put out lime on the pasture. Well Frankie had to go out and cut the tree which is covered in a hairy vine that could possibly be poison which Frankie is allergic to. So he had to go take another shower in poison wash. We finally got gone about an hours or so later. It did not take us long to get the supplies and we stopped and got a bushel of peaches! I love peaches and it reminds me of summers of staying with my granny and working at the peach stand. I love doing things that remind me of my childhood even though some would say I had a crazy and not to inviting childhood but to me it was normal!
Today in the 90 day challenge is "You Can Do It" I can really put myself in this woman shoes. I can not believe how fat I am and my measurements just from last summer. I am slowly getting bigger and bigger and I hate myself for it. I feel horrible and achy most days. Since summer vacation started I have been doing exercise and trying to eat healthier. I get to craving sweets and I have been trying to eat fruit. The bad thing is that we have been keeping oreos in the house and it is so hard to get them out of your mind until you have a pack. The first pack I shared with Clay and that satisfied me for the time, but know that they are in the cabinet drives me insane... My dad was an alcoholic and I never understood while he was alive why he could not just stop the habit. I know why now, I am a foodohlic. I am like a junkie looking for their next fix. I hat that I have let food take over me like this and I am going to beat this addiction this summer once and for all. Life is to short to live this way. My mom was overweight just like me but she did smoke and I know that this contribute to her cancer and stress that took her life way to young. She was just 4 years older than me when she died. I need to live longer than this for my boys. This is always in the back of my mind who is going to take care of them if something happens to me. Don't get me wrong I know that their dad will but he is not mom. Oh well that is enough about that. I hope that I will be able to keep this promise to myself.
 
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.


P.S. I think I will go and get this gray out of my hair.

Day 6, New Thrills

I did not have a really good eating day yesterday. I had a ham biscuit from Hardee's .
 I had cantaloup, squash steamed, 1 wheat baked chicken tender, 9 oreos, Chick-fil=la chicken nuggets, and waffle fries, 3 snack size milky way caramel candy bars, more cantaloup and 2 peaches. I never did make myself do any good exercise but we did take are family walk. Today will be better. I got to go buy my hair color yesterday and I am going Monday hopefully to get a hair cut . I am so ready for a new me.. Today I am suppose to think about and write something that I have avoided doing because of my weight. I have not avoided anything lately. Other than the fact I don't want my husband hugging my fat. I know this sounds weird but you know what I mean if you are fat. I avoid putting resent pictures of myself on facebook because of how fat I am. I just feel really bad about my self. I  get sick of worrying about what I eat, not getting enough exercise, and not being able to get into my clothes comfortable. I hate the fact that I am tired and achy all of the time.  I would love to go have my toenails done but I am embarrassed because I can not reach my toes. So I guess you can so that I avoid these things. LOL  The challenge for the day also wants me to think about how it would feel to be thin....Well I have been thinner and  I loved it but for some reason I can not handle being thin or I let everything else over whelm and I get were I don't care. "Like be happy fat" or "your not that fat", but then you see your self in a picture only to wonder who is that fat woman? knowing the whole time it is you! Oh yeah I avoid cameras also. I don't appear to be a shy person but deep inside I think I really am. I hate getting attention. Oh well.

Some questions I need to answer during my challenge:
1. If I were a healthy weight, what would that look like? It would look 80 lbs lighter.
2. What would it feel like to but clothes in size____? I would love to wear a size 12 again. This was a good easy to find size and I felt good about my self at the size.
3. What if I didn't have to dread getting dressed in the mornings? I would love this!! I would love it to put on something and it was not to tight, stretched out, blousey, and belly rolls.
4. What if I could play with the kids without getting out of breath? This would be wonderful since I am a teacher in a special ed class and having 45 min PE with them can wear a fat women plum out!!
5. What would I do differently if money was not an issue? Oh the things I would do.... Dream... I would buy healthy food all of the time. I would buy me a building and set it up with exercise equipment and use it. I would buy new clothes, and reward myself. I would move to the beach. I would build a pool. DREAM DREAM dream.....
6.What church or charity would I give to if I had more finances? I would help my church Union Grove Baptist build the life center to exercise in then I would not need my own exercise equipment. I would build a day program for disabled adults and hire people to help me run it. I would give to to the charity to help for programs for disabled adults and children.
7. If nothing was holding me back what would I most likely do in life that I haven't done? I would me more active outside, such has hiking mountains, bike riding, horse riding, kayaking, snow and water skiing, and so many other outdoor activities I would love to do.
8. What things did I dream about before life took over? I am not sure but it was not to feel overwhelmed and fat like my mom. It was not to have disabled children, and have to always considered them before me or anything else. It was to have a normal life, do a little traveling, have a place at the river and at the beach. to do do and do some more....

Don't Quit

by: Unknown Author

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Day 5 Faith matters

Today the challenge wants to know if I have any unforgivness in my heart. At this time I don't have any anger toward anyone. I do have aggravation toward many though. Is this the same? No but I do spend way to much time being aggravated. I hate that my extended family does not have anything to do with each other since my granny passed and my parents. I hate that my sibling can not find time to communicate with me at least once a week. I hate that we have to struggle way to much with money. I hate that fragile x gets in the way a lot. I hate a dirty house but I hate to clean it because it does not stay clean. So I do have a lot of things that bother me. I was asked by a dear friend to try and find my inner peace and I promised I would work on that this summer. So today I got out my Bible and read it, and I meditated for 10 minutes after I did my exercise. Maybe I will get to the point that I don't let things aggravate me so much.

Day 4 Dreams and Visions

Today the 90 day challenge is telling me that in the Bible tells us in the last days God will pour His Spirit out on the flesh and that young men will see visions and old men will dream dreams (Acts 2:17). The books thinks the interpretation of this is that young men have visions of where they want to go and what they want to do, like a plan. They old men  have usually accomplish their visions and living their dreams. I am not sure what my view is on this. The book also is telling me to take the time and ask God what his purpose in my life is. I am not sure if I have every asked God what my purpose is. I am  just following the plan day by day I have been trying to live the way my mom try to teach to lets get through today before we worry about tomorrow. I have a hard time doing this because I am always thinking ahead and what is going to happen. Like why am I going to college when I don't know what I am going to be doing in 5 years. Where are the boys going to be and doing when the graduate high school. I know they will still be living with me but I want them to have a program to keep them busy. I worry about where are we going to be as a family next year? What are we going to do about money, taxes, bills and trying to make life as easy as possible for our whole family. I know that I am not suppose to worry and give it all over to God but this is hard. I have had my ups and downs and I know that I have had time that I have been very angry with God and ask way to many questions? I know that I would not be where I am in life today if it was not for God but here again I wonder why he makes life so hard? But is it him that makes life hard or is it the devil (evil spirits) that make life so hard. You watch the news, and listen to the people and how they are leaving God out their lives. The evil, killing, robbing, pornography, and so much more. Oh well I am getting off of my dreams and visions. My dream is I will get my 4yr degree, I will start a program for disabled adults like a day center to work, play, and learn. That my boys will continue learning and growing into the best adults they can be. To write a book, to be healthier, to be truly happy, and not worry. I dream that we will get out of this unbelievable debt and be able to live with out worry on how we are going to pay for something or not to live on credit or not worry. To See The Vision of coming out of this debt and surviving without filing bankruptcy. The dream of living at the beach, working at a day program, not worrying about what will happen to my boys if I was to die. The dream and the vision to me are just dreams and vision and not much of a glimmer of coming true. I think I will go pray and exercise and stop making myself even more depressed. Dream and vision about being healthy even thought in reality I have not control of this either. LOL

Well the day started off rough. I found out because I forgot to send my renewal membership to the teacher assistant with the state that I am about to lose my extra pay that I need bad. I discovered that my youngest son tore up the 3 cases that the videos were in  and hid them. I finally got all of them put back together then I found out that he tore up won of the covers went to print me a new cover and the printer ran out of ink. We were hoping that either Mr. Garner or I would get paid but we didn't. WOW what a morning. But I got everything worked out and I finally got paid and paid all of my bills.

I am suppose to write 5 mini goals to get thiner
1. drink more water
2. exercise at least 5 times a week
3. make better eating choices
4. journal every day
5. most important PRAY

Day 3 lose the guilt

A side view on June 21,  2012

Front view on June 21, 2012

Today is about taking time for yourself and not feeling guilty about it. This is really hard to do sometimes but I try to take time at home for myself by exercising, washing my face and soaking my feet. Being a mom of sons that have Fragile X syndrome things can get nerve racking sometimes and makes you want to have lots of alone time. I am usually with them all day long everyday. Even during school time since I work in their classroom as a teacher assistant. I enjoy being with them and watching them learn and growing in the world to become accepted and liked. I had a really proud moment this year right before school got out for the summer with my oldest son Seth won the Mustang Way award, the first time it was ever given and it was for his outgoing personality. Getting back to making time for myself... The challenge wants me to mark out 4 days to exercise. I have been trying to exercise some way every day since school got out for summer break. I have been trying to the 30 day shred, walk outside, work in my flower garden and walking on my treadmill. But here again I have days I do not want to exercise. Like yesterday for instant, I never could make my self get up and exercise. I sit outside in the sun and got so hot, and I made myself really aggravated because I was making myself bored. I kept thinking about even if I lost 30 lbs this summer I will still weigh 200 lbs. how sad is that, but I would be 30 lbs lighter. I will never give up. 

Time is on your side.....

2nd day of the ninety 90 challenge. Funny that this is talking about starting things and not finishing because it take time and in most cases money too. I was just talking about that in my blog yesterday on starting things and feeling like I never finish them. I have been trying to lose weight it seems like all of my life. I remember in the 4th grade and a boy told me I was fat and it really hurt my feelings because I thought the boy was cute and his last name was Thomas like mine but he was a rowdy boy. (but is that not what girls are usually attracted to the "bad boy".) Oh well, I would do exercise every night working on what I thought was a fat belly. Now at age 45 I am still working on my fat but not as hard as I use to. I have gotten really lazy and sometimes I feel like I need to give up and just be happy fat. I just can not bring myself to this though. Another thing I have started, is my desire to get my teaching degree. I get so discouraged because I am only able to take 2 classes a semester and I get so burned out. I had absolutely decided to quit this last semester because I found out that I have 26 more classes to take. This will take me around 5 years to complete, which made me start thinking about I don't even know what I will be doing in 5 yrs. and if I will even want to teach. I want to be with my boys or I will be with my boys.  I read a blog this morning and I completely feel my friends feelings on the " Old Me". Let me tell you a little bit about the old me. I got married a little after my 17th birthday. I should have never done this because I knew in my heart I would never be happy but I want to be "free" to make my own decisions and to come and go as I wanted to. I had most of this freedom but I was not happy. I had to work 2nd shift and I messed a lot of quality time with my mom. I finally ask God to help me. I had made a mistake but I did not take my vows lightly. I knew that I had promised to God to make this marriage work but I talked to him about it and asked him for a sign to show me that it was okay to seek happiness through divorce. So one day my prayers where answered and my ex came in and nicely asked me if I wanted a divorce and he helped me pack. Oh well that is enough about that. A few months went by and I met Frankie the man of my dreams. The man who has supported me and loved me just for who I am. The "Old Me" The one as a pretween  wanted to get married and be happy and have children and live the so called "American Dream" that goes along with a husband, wife and 2 children. Here again a wrench was thrown into my plans with God changing what I thought I needed and wanted. He gave me the 2 beautiful boys that I love with all my heart but here again I have to say or ask "Why Me"??? Why me did you have to pick out of so many children, grandchildren, and all the other relatives to pass this horrific defected gene to? It took me a lot of prayers and forgiveness to get to the point to ask "why not me?" I will have to say there are times that I have pity parties and still ask "Why Me?" but I have grown to accept that this is the plan that God has for my life and that maybe I need to finish school because maybe he has plans for me after the boys get out of school. Like the dream of starting a day program for adults with special needs that need something to do and somewhere to go without living in a group home. I miss the old me sometimes but I really like the new me but I would like the new me to be a skinny me!

Dream a little Dream

I have tried several times to do this 90-day Fitness Challenge but like most things in my life I have not had any success with it or should I said I have not followed all the way through to the end with it. Let's see if their is any way possible that I can a accomplish this challenge this summer. The 1st day mini-challenge is to write down your dreams. Lets see my dreams when I was a child was to grow up and be a mom, a veterinarian, and have a well rounded life. Like traveling, and activities with the children and little trips with my husband. Well things did not work out exactly like that. Thing in my young adult life lets just say they were "life's little lessons". When I was 21 I meet my husband that I am married to now. Our romance started off fast and has been going strong every since. We have been together for 24 years and like all marriages we have had our ups and downs. We have 2 wonderful teenage boys but here again this was a detour or maybe a different direction in our dreams that we were planning for. When my oldest son was 2 1/2 years old I took him to Chapel Hill to be evaluated by a team of doctors and therapist. I was told that he either was mildly autistic or he had fragile x syndrome. At the time I was 4 months pregnant with my second child and was told if we have fragile x then there was a 50/50 chance that this child would have it to. I was devastated and decided right then and there that it was not Fragile X and that my second child would not have anything wrong with him. Well this was in early spring and in November I had another son. Things looked promising because I did not see the same things going on with him as I did my first child such as waking up in the middle of the night with night terrors or having constant ear infections. My baby boy was following his developmental milestones but there was just a little something off. He did not babble, or make normal baby sounds. By the age 2 I took him to chapel hill and had blood work done for the fragile x and the test come back positive for this horrible gene.   Here I was a mom just like I dreamed but, both of my parents had passed away. I had quit my job all before my first sons birthday. My husband and I struggled because of only one income and having to go to the doctor a lot for ear infections, diapers, potty training was hard and replacing things that they broke. We learned how to follow a whole new dream that we did not even have anything to do with. Our dreams now was all about the boys and their education and accomplishing goals to make them able to do as much as possible with their mental disabilities. They have grown into fine young men and I am very proud of them. More than the mom part was changed. We had to plan out things to help the boys adjust for changes, we had to have many battles with IEP's and getting the services that we felt that our boys needed. My husband had to work 2 and 3 jobs to help keep us a float. Man I am glad these days are over but then I again I missed my boys when they were little. I have to say though any many ways it is still like we have little boys in men bodies. Well life went on and my oldest son was in school and my younger son was in preschool and I had time on my hands. I started exercising with my husbands uncle Bobby, I started finally losing my baby weight from my 3 year old baby. I was 202 lbs. when I joined weight watchers. I lost 61 lbs putting me as the smallest I had been since 9th grade but never did make goal because of changes in life. Well when my youngest son started school I decided to go back to college and try to get a degree in something, this was in 2003. In 2006 I graduated with a degree in Early childhood. During my college days I thought I was suppose to eat while I studied and I stopped exercising as much and eating out more. I started gain my weight back that I had worked so hard to lose. I started looking for a job as a teacher assistant and the perfect job came open for me in a self-contained classroom at the high school my oldest son was getting ready to attend. I have been doing this for over 5 years now and I loving every minute of it. Never thought I would ever in a million years want to teach  children let along special ed students. Another dream change. Now I have been struggling with stress, and getting fatter and fatter. The teacher I started off working with retired and left me in the middle of the school year. They did not hire a teacher back for the rest of the year and I was going to college again this time to become a teacher. I was taking 3 classes and I was stressed to the max. Also around Christmas time we lost one of our precious students to death. I had to run the class which I had great help, but we did a lot of cooking and eating. I started slowly gaining weight, until I am at the heaviest I have ever been 237.8. I have been working on trying to lose again but now that I am 45 years old and so fat that I don't feel like moving it is not as easy to come off. But I will not give up because this is my dream to be healthy and able to move and wear clothes that are not fat people clothes. My other dream is to finish college with my 4yr. degree in special education. I have talked myself into quitting several times but I am struggling to make myself stay in, because of my thing of starting something and quitting before I reach my goal. So I guess I will keep dreaming of getting my teaching degree, losing weight, moving to the beach and being out of debt.

Monday

Hello Monday, I am trying harder to lose this weight. I changed my exercise up today and walked 2 miles on the treadmill today instead of the 30 day shred. I have eaten a little less today. I am going to try to get this blogging down to. I want to be able to write something interesting that someone would like to read. Yesterday we went to Sunday school and when we got home Clay decided to have a melt down. I tried not to laugh but some of it was just funny. He was trying to fight Seth.  He had Seth caught with his feet and legs on the bed and he was yelling "you idiot", imitating what he has heard Seth say before when he is mad. Later we went to Judy and Larry's and Clay got aggravated over there and went and got in the car and start yelling "shit". What I am I going to do with these children??? I am at a lost. One day we went over to their house and when we got back in the car Clay had my bottle of tums and it had some pain medicines in it to and had them all in his mouth and scared the crap out of Frank. My life is always crazy and nobody really know except the other parents that have children with Fragile X. Things that go on at our house is crazy. 

Dear Fat lady,

Dear Fat lady, I have changed the title of my post because I have become such a fat lady. I am so angry at myself and I love to eat! I have been doing exercise and I have been trying to eat better but NO weight has came off!! I am so discouraged. I am fatter than I have ever been in my whole life!! Why do I let my life totally fall apart? Why can't I really get control of my self. I need to try something different something to open my eyes and see the skinny lady that is inside me shriveling up because the fat lady is winning a little more everyday! Will she have the strength to reenter this world? Please Fat Lady leave!!!