Good Morning Sunday!

Well The morning started early, I woke up with indigestion, and hot flashes. Lets ketch up a little bit. I have been back to work for 2 weeks. I have had my ups and downs these 2 weeks and I am hoping that things will get better and stay that way. We had Seth's birthday Friday and it was a great day! Seth had his senior pictures taken and he received some nice gifts. Joan came to the party and it was great seeing her. She told me she has lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks after re-joining weight watchers. I am going on weight watchers full blast today.

Day55 Run for your Life Starting over

Today is September the 1st and I am going to run for my life and try to save it before I get even farther at of control. They have started a club at school to run a 5k. I have never been a runner and I am not sure I can start now but I am willing to try so that I can lose this weight. I am at my wits end and I don't know which way to turn. I have not eaten well today at all.
Breakfast: 12 ff crackers and 2 tbs of peanut butter.
Lunch: 2 chicken tenders perdue wheat
           2 tyson anytizer hotbites
supper 4 slices of the works papa johns pizza (with out the sausage)
1 pepsi max
I will do better tomorrow.

Day 54 No More Pity Parties

Man I needed this one today. Today is Tuesday, August 21, 2012.  I It is my second day back at work and I had all intentions of starting back on my diet full blast again and see if I can lose at least 10 pounds. I had 1 plum, a vanilla activia, a small salad with light balsamic vinegar dressing. For supper I and 6 oz piece of chicken fried in olive oil (2 tbs) 1 cup of reduced fat mac and cheese, 1 small homemade biscuit 1/2 cup can corn and some watermelon. I had 2 heaping tsp of chunky Jif peanut butter, 1 coffee latte, and some popcorn hot-air popped.  I am not sure how good or bad I have done today but I have moved a lot. I am glad that I have Anna working with me. If I can just get her to not cry every time she talks about her family I will be happy. Tomorrow is open house and I have to work until 7:00 but I am planning on leaving early. I am going to pick up the boys for the open house.

Day 53 Prison Break

Today I am suppose to think about how my body has kept me in prison because I am not able to do what I would like to. There are many things that my fat keeps me from doing. I am not comfortable with my fat. I would love to have a spa day but I would never let someone massage my fat. I tried kayaking and I was so embarrassed because I could not get out of the kayak. I would love to go horse back riding but I know that my knees and weight hinder me. I need to make a list of things that I need to change to break myself from the prison that I stay in.
1. I need to get over the fact that my life is always going to be about my children and accept it and stop whining about it.
2. I need to decide if I want to lose weight and do it or stop worrying about it.
3. I need to make a plan and stick to it no matter what.
4. I need to make a commitment to do some kind of exercise every day.
5. I need to learn to like myself and my life and thank God for it everyday.
6. I need to keep a better attitude toward myself.
7. I need to get healthy!
8. I need to laugh more!
9. I need to pray more!
10. I need to stop having beat myself down days!

I can do this and I know that I can. I just remembered that I was suppose to find my inner peace this summer and I did not do it. I am hung up on this new transition that I am going through in my life with my children getting older. As a friend of mine wrote in her blog about transitioning with a teenager/adult is Hell. To read her blog on this click here. You don't realize all of the changes that a mother with special needs/disabled children goes through. I get so angry and sad at the same time because I know that my children are growing into fine young adults and later into middle aged adults and so forth. They are not really worried about what their future holds and what is to come but as a parent it is hard to see everything that they are missing out on. Like getting their license, having girlfriends, wife, and children. I have got to pray for God's help to help me get over this next step in my life and to be ready and able to tackle the next stop.

Day 52 Life is Good

Today I am suppose to count my blessing. I do have so many blessing that way out weigh my problems. I have a wonderful, faithful, gorgeous, and supportive husband. I have two of the best sons that God good ever give me! I have good family and friends. God is good to me and my family. I know God is disappointed in me a lot of the time. I have struggled many times giving all of my fears, worries and doubts to God. I know in my heart that God loves me and takes care of me I just need to do a better job in taking care of myself. I look out into the world and see all of the craziness in the world and I wonder what are people thinking? I have got to make a decision if I really want to get healthy and put whole lot more effort into it or not. I need to read my Bible more, pray more and trust my worries to God.

Day 51 going through the process

This really hit home because I know that there is some many more things that I could be doing that I don't. I always am saying I am going to do better, I am going to keep a food journal everyday, I am going to exercise not matter what and many other things. I have gotten where I can not even write in my blog everyday any more. I have written my nephew 2 letters that is in basics in the marines and I have not printed or mailed them yet. I have been going to send in Seth voters registration and I am going to do that today I finally do that after... I won't tell how long LOL! I guess one would said that I am a procrastinator and I am. I try not to put off what I need to do today until another day but I do it a lot. Yesterdays mini challenge was to write down 2 things that I should be doing and have not (the book says tempted not to do).
1. To exercise in some way for 30 mins: Well Monday I moved wood and stacked it and pulled weeds outside for about 2 hrs. On Tuesday I cleaned up the brush from the broken tree and stacked more wood for about 2hrs. Wednesday I went to the pool and I tried running back and forth in the water and some other water exercise all together off and on for about 30 mins. So maybe I did something...
2. Making healthy food choices all of the time. This is the one I really need to do. Every evening I want something sweet. I had a brownie yesterday, and then later I had a special dark candy bar and 4 squares of a mr. goodbar. I also ate baby carrots around 10:00 pm which would not have been bad but I had one chick-fil-la to deep them in. Oh well I have got to get off of here and get a shower I am going to get my hair cut today.

Day 50 Losing Weight saves lives

I know that losing weight can save lives. I am still discouraged. I have not lost any weight since I have started this at the beginning of Summer. I am starting back to work in 5 days and I am so mad at myself. I know that the book has told me to encourage myself and not to give up I am just sick of myself and I have no encouragement for myself.

Day 48 Organizing your food

You know I getting tired of these daily challenges that really don't make any sense to lose weight. How is organizing your food on a shelf with similar food really going to help. I make grocery list sometimes and I follow them but I usually buy what is on sale and what the boys will eat. I just had a thought, maybe if I did organize and follow each step to the tee I might lose 1 lb. Oh crap I am so down and discouraged on this weight loss journey that I have no success with.

Day 49 Not According to Plan

This is something that I allow or some how manages to enter my life often. I have been off the plan for 2 days. I have been so down in the dump and just have not cared if I get anything done. I am just at the edge of giving up but I know if I do then the weight and depression will only grow. I don't want a quick fix! I see all the time new diets, new pills, new gimmick for weight loss. I know that it is a mind set and that you need to portion control everything. I am not giving up I prayed Saturday and Sunday when I was having bad days and gave my pity to God. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I can accomplish anything with the help of God. So I need to get off here and start cleaning up my nasty house and decide which way to cut my hair.

Day 47 Get rid of the Junk

Today is cleaning the junk food out of the fridge, and pantry. I can not bring myself to throw food away I am just working on my ability to just say "NO". I can do it when I sit my mind to it. Today is not a good day for me. I am sleepy, my head is stuffy and I just don't feel good. I would love to get out of the house or go to bed. Sometime I wonder if I am just depressed. I have managed to clean the bathroom, and vacuum the floor in one room, wash a load of clothes, make a jar of pickles, unload/load the dishwasher and make the bed. I have a lot more things to do. I guess I need to get up and do.

Some things about today. This morning I had a hard time waking up. I was so sleepy. I made myself go clean our bathroom, make my bed and vacuum the bedroom and the living room. I then made myself, clean up the kitchen some and I started boiling water to peel some tomatoes. I made some salsa, peeled and canned 2 jars of peaches, and 7 jars of tomatoes. Frankie came in and I told him I was depressed. My head was all stuffy, and I felt sad and fat and not sure what was going on. I told him I wanted to go shopping knowing that this would just make me more depressed buying clothes. I choked down some tears and told him I would be alright. He went and finished up a few more things he needed to do and I finished up some things I needed to finish and he came back and got ready to go. Went and bought some new outfits but I look really fat in them,  but I like them.  I also got some new shoes. Frank pick everything out for me. I love him so much. I told him he was going to start buying stuff for me with out me.

Day 46 Ideas for traveling

I don't really need this because I don't travel. The tip of the day is how to buy healthy food with out emptying the pocketbook. I have been trying to go to a store called Aldis and buy fruit and some veggies. I am also still getting a few veggies from the garden. I was just looking at the Aldi website and they have a whole line of frozen meals and snacks from fit&Active at a reasonable price. I need to go and get some for lunch at school. Speaking of school I am dreading going back to work but I am going to keep praying and hope that everything will work out.

Day 45 What About the Children?

Today is about not feeling guilty of thinking about yourself to get healthy. I don't feel guilty about taking time for myself and I never have. I am with my children 24/7 365 days a year, even when they are at school I am there. I will always be with them because they have fragile x and will never be able to leave on their on. I love my boys and we do a lot together as a family. We do lots of hiking and I try hard to get the boys to eat healthy which is hard when one only wants to eat cream of chicken soup and the other chicken strips. I do manage to get them to eat vegetables sometimes. It is hard to keep them active and eating healthy since most of the time you try to keep peace and make them happy.

Well off of the topic of diet. Last night around 3:00 in the morning we were awoken by a loud house shaking crash. I jumped up out of bed and said oh no a tree has fell I hope it did not fall on anything. We found the flashlight and went out the front door to see what had happen. From the front we could not see anything. So we headed to the back door. Here we found a huge limb the size of a tree on the ground. It did not hit anything and break it thank God! Now we are looking at the cost of getting the tree cut so that it does not fall on anything. This is the second tree that we have lost to the dry and then really wet weather. Frank has been working hard trying to get the chicken house ready for chickens Friday. We took a ride and had a pity party this evening realizing that we need to stop trying to plan and follow my mom's advice of "Vicki Lee stop worrying about tomorrow lets just make it through today." I really dread going back to school/work because of all of the changes that are happening. The world is such a scary. I hate it that Clay loves the beach so much. He has just about drove himself nuts wanting to go back to the beach. Every little bit he is begging "Beachhh, Beaccchhh" I wish we could live at the beach and be happy but he would eventually get tired of it.

Day 44 Making List

Oh I am good at making list but I am not good at following them. LOL I am suppose to write a list of 5 things I need to get done at night to do the next day. Now for my how I spend my time today.
I got up around 9:00 am
brushed teeth and put on clothes.
put Seth some eggs on to boil
sweep the floor
Went to Robbins to get some supplies
fixed I bit to eat and I ate
cleaned the kitchen up and put up my few groceries I bought
got me some watermelon
11:50 turned computer on and checked emails, facebook, and wrote my blog
It is now 12:30 going to make my bed.
I did several things until around 1:30 walked around outside cleaned up the kitchen and a few other things
Then I sit down and ate water melon and watched young and the restless. I did not do a whole lot of other things until around 3 and I cooked supper.
I figured out that I spend more time on the computer and watching tv more than anything I have been a little lazy today. I did about 20 mins of exercise and took a shower then we went out and got a Pepsi max. Since I have been home I have sit on the computer. I guess I don't spend my time to wisely. LOL

Now for the list that I am suppose to make.
Make some breakfast and clean up the kitchen.
Make some salsa and cucumber pickles.
Do my exercise
Take a shower

Day 43 Time Management

This one really hits home. I can not even begin to remember how many times I have said I don't have time to do something. We all have 24 hours of time a day. So the amount of time is not the issue it is the way we use our time. It said to ask yourself these questions: How are you spending the 24 hours of each day that God has given you. Think about how many hours you spend watching tv, surfing the web, shopping, reading, or talking on the phone? Now think about when a friend calls you and invites you to do something fun like going to the beach for the weekend? Just think about how quick you can be ready to go. The tip of the day that I am just know reading I will have to do it tomorrow. That is keeping track of what you do all day.I will do this tomorrow.

Day 42 It takes Work

This is true and I have not been working on my diet. I have been on vacation for a week at the beach and I ate what I wanted to eat. I weighed in this morning and I gain 3 pounds I don't think this was too bad after every thing I ate while at the beach. Starting back today I will start back the work. I have got to purchase me some fruit and veggies and no more fried food. The tip of the day is a reminder of an acronym HALT : Hunger Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These 4 words leave you vulnerable for temptation to binge. Stop and ask yourself: Are you really hungry? Do you need to blow off steam, vent or talk to someone when your mad? Why are you sad or lonely call someone or read the Bible God never leaves you alone. If you are tired or sleepy take a nap don't grab food. I am willing to do the work and I am going to try harder than ever to lose this weight. I would just be happy to lose 20 lbs, 10 lbs, or 5 lbs. I am going to work hard!!!

Day 41 Take Care of your health

I am trying hard to take care of my health. I am doing it for myself and for my family. I don't want to be sickly as I get older. I want to be able to do and move as much as I can!

Day 40 Giving up is not an option

It is day 40 and it is telling me not to give up. Well I am not going to give up but I do feel like I am not getting anywhere with this diet. We have been at the beach for 1 day  and I have been enjoying eating and not trying to go over board but not resisting some of my favorite foods. I am going to try to do a little exercise tonight. 

Day 39 Cha Cha Cha Changes

Well I think I have covered this in almost all of my blog entries. I have had enough change in my life and a lot of it I did not ask for but I have learned to live with it. I have been going through some other things lately and not sure what decisions I should make. My biggest dilemma right now is whether I should finish school??? I am so sick of being stressed with school work, work work and taking care of my home and family. I have truly enjoyed not having homework and not working and being lazy this summer.I wish God would give me a sign that finishing college is what I really need to do. I will not be done at the rate I am going until I am 50 years old. I feel like I am wasting some really good years in my life worrying about school work and taking test and writing papers. Please God tell me what direction I need to go. I am worried about what is going to happen this year at school. I am already feeling stress from that how the new principal will be, the new teacher and all of the changes with my insurance and money (check) is disappearing and I will not have enough to pay my bills starting in August. I trust that God will help me and lead me in the right directions with all of these things. Well My stomach is not feeling good today, I have got to get finished cleaning the house, work in some exercise and pray. I am very sleepy and achy today also. Please God give me the energy to do what I need to do today. Amen!

Day 38 It is time to change the Tape

Well it looks like I got yesterday and today's mixed up. I need to changed the tape but it keeps rewinding over and over in my head. It is hard to change the tape of life when you make the best of it but it rewinds by it's self when it gets to the end just like in a video player. In 25 years nothing mind blowing to the good has happened in our lives. We live day to day in this crazy world that is spinning around us we can not hide from it, we can not change it all we can do is hold on tight and hope that we don't fall off. I pray everyday for all of the craziness that goes on in this world today. I pray for the leaders, the sick, the elder, the unsaved, and my family and friends. I know that God is the only one that can save us and lead us down the right path. I know the Bible tells us not to worry that God will provide. I know that all of these things are true but why do I stay so down. I use to could pick myself up and shake my self off and be happy. Now days it is almost impossible to make it through the day with out feeling sad. I don't really think that I am depressed I just feel like there is no end to this discouragement I feel about life. I have always had a 5 year plan to look forward to progress but I don't even have that any more. I did not accomplish my last 5 year plan and I don't even want to look ahead anymore. There is a little less than 2 years for one of our family goals to be met but the struggle to get there and now knowing the tax penalties when we get there makes it not a happy thing. The worse thing we have done as a family is take over the chicken houses. We are so deep in debt that we only work to pay bills. There is no money left for anything else. So depressing. Oh well I have gotten of topic of changing the tape for my health. With all of the other discouraging things that are going on in my life it is hard to even care about my health especially  when you have not lost any weight with all the effort that I have been putting into it. I will not give up I will not give up! I will not give up! I will not let the Devil win!
I am going to exercise.

Day 37 Make up Your Mind

It is time to make up your mind if you want to change your the video of something negative that has happened in your life. Such as when a time in your life that something happened and you stressed yourself over it and then you turned to food for comfort. I am sure that this is one of the reasons that I am over weight. I had a up and down childhood, being raised with an alcoholic father, and a mother that loved him. We all loved him, he was not violent, he did like to fuss, criticize, and move us around a lot but he was never mean. He did give me heartache, stress and lots of worrying about him. I loved him and some of the times when he was drunk is when we were the closes. I have lots of things in my life that trigger my ups and downs and I do have a tendency to have pity parties on occasions. I have turned to food many times when I am sad, mad, bored, aggravated and low as I can go. I have eaten until something is gone, just because it was there. I have been trying to get things like this out of my mind. I really need to work on my heart and get all of my anger out of me, from losing my parents six months apart, to getting the diagnose of Fragile X syndrome a few months later, and other things that only God knows about in my heart. No this is not secrets that I have kept from my family but stuff that I don't want to put on a blog. I told a co-worker that I was going to find my inner peace over the summer but I have not gotten there yet. I still have about a month to do this. I need to get on my knees and pray a lot and get right with me and God. I have been going through a lot after I took this religion class I took in the spring semester.  I have been trying to get myself back to where I belong without doubt. I am also in turmoil on weither I want to continue to go to college and get my four year degree. I got to figure out how long I want the boys to continue going to school another 2 years with Seth and another 5 years. I am not sure how it is going to work out with everything changing at school. I have so many things that are weighing heaving on me and I need to turn it all over to the Lord and stop worrying.

Day 36 Mini Goals

Today I am suppose to look back at my day 4 mini-goals and tweak them.
1. drink more water
2. exercise at least 5 times a week
3. make better eating choices
4. journal every day
5. most important PRAY

The first one I have accomplish and will continue drinking water. The second one I am still working on I exercise at least 3 to 4 times a week and I am working on getting more in I just hate to exercise, but I got to remember that I am suppose to be thinking positive and look at the at how strong and how much better I will feel losing this weight. The 3rd one I make better eating choices most of the time but not always sometimes I get to craving sweets and I have been making low-sugar peach &blueberry cobbler yummy. I have been eating fried chicken strips from hardee's but I made some at home and used olive oil. I do journal everyday and I do pray everyday. I have not lost much weight only about 4lbs. but I am not giving up. My mini- goal from now until school starts is to lose 10lbs. I am going to try every way possible to do this.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”

A little personal stuff. Yesterday we went to the zoo. I have been promising Clay all summer that I would take him to the zoo. He really don't want just the zoo... he wants to go to the zoo and then go to goodwill and get a book or movie and then something to eat. He got his wish yesterday.

Day 35 Your Truth or the truth

When I was in High school I was told by a teacher that I did not have any "self-discipline" He posted it in all of my classes so that I could see it. I think somewhere in my mind this has stuck. Just like Phil in talking about in this challenge that he was call a quitter when he was young that he started believing it. I have not had a lot of success with things I start I got real close to getting lifetime with weight watchers one time but I quit and eventually gained it all back plus 10 more pounds. I can not get 1 pound off anymore. I just don't know what to do. I can work on changing the way I think and I hope that I can get at least 10 pounds of before school starts.
 Word to the wise: 1) Change how you think about food. It is merely fuel for the body. It won't make you happy, and it won't de-stress your life. and 2) Don't quit. No matter what happens, the time goes by, and if you quit, the time will still go by and you won't be any closer to your goal. Even if it seems the scale is standing still, remember, you are now maintaining a lower weight than you were. This is practice for when you get to maintenance.


                                                           


For today's mini challenge I was suppose to read the Bible and find 5 scriptures that makes you see that God believes in you.

Philippians 4:13 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 139:13-14 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:1-24 

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. ...

Acts 20:35

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Luke 10:27
The man answered, ” `You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, `Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” 

Day 34 What's your Strategy?

"The thoughts you think and the beliefs you have will determine the directions in your life is headed." This is from the book of the ninety day challenge.
1. Imagine: imagine what your life will be like when you reach your goals What will you look like? What will it feel like to buy clothes in a smaller size? What will it feel like to be able to run a race? Imagine with the confidence that those things will come pass.
2. Tell yourself it's your idea. Tell yourself all the time that you love to exercise, you love eating healthy, you love, that you love doing what ever it takes to get healthy. If you tell yourself these things long enought you will really start liking to do them.
3. Watch your mouth. Beware of the negative that comes out of your mouth. This is very hard for me. The more I try to be positive the more things seem to go wrong. Sometimes I thing I am doomed!!
4. Remember your blessings. So many people are less fortunate that you are. I believe in this and I try to live by it but as I say in number 3 I have a hard time with it. I am really good at having a good pity party.
examples: a few days of crappy days leads to depressed woman!!
I know that there are more people in this world are a lot worse off than me. like the people that were fighting for their lives in the movie theater. People who are sick, people who have lost their arm, legs or ability to move. There are people who are homeless, have no food, or water. I know that I am truly blessed but.... I always have a but. I am human and I am sad, and I feel all alone sometimes and I .... just need to feel sorry for myself. The mini-challenge is to try to reverse this mind change. I need to really work on this and get my life in a better place. I am not sure how to go about this but I am going to pray and try to work it out. Maybe  I need to try what a blogger friend of mine is going to do. Write letters to God and change my attitude and try to find the good in everything. How do you do this???? 

Day 33 Friends Stick Together

I am down to no friends. I use to have lots of friends to go on diets with but life gets busy and people go on with their lives. Don't get me wrong I have work friends but none of them want to lose weight. I need more friends but, no one wants to make time to be friends everyone is busy in their own little lives. This world and every part of it as gone berserk. Night before last at a movie theater in Aurora CO. a 24 year old man comes in and starts shooting and let out gas to confuse the people in the theater. How is this fair? I am sick of the craziness that is happening in this world. My nephew who is turning 18 years old today as been in the marines for one week. He is just a baby and all I can think about is that stupid movie Full metal jacket. I pray every night for him and all of the other service men that are protecting us everyday. We find so many things to complain about every day but is are life really that bad. We love feeling sorry for ourselves but if we just rely on God we would be so much better off.  

Day 32 Make time to Recover

I have caught up on my sleep and rest now it time to make this next 30 days really count. I also have around 30 days when school starts back. I so wanted to lose some weight before then. I want to be able to get back into my clothes for the winter when we have to start wearing pants. I measured yesterday and I have lost an .5 inch on the parts that I measured except my arm. Oh well I think I will go and exercise.

Day 31 Just a day in the Park

Okay, As a family we hike and go to a lot of parks, but we don't always eat healthy. Today's challenge is to plan outdoor activities this week. Well no doubt I can do that. Yesterday we went to Morrow Mountain and walk down a trail, but we ate at Hardee's not a very healthy option. Today we went to the pool and we came back by Hardee's again today. The boys do eat chicken and small fries, and yesterday I had a big twin and today I had a little thick burger with fries. I don't know how we could get   healthier choices for the boys they only want chicken tenders were ever you eat out. They are not to big on veggies, cheese, bread, or much of anything that is good for you. I know I am giving excuses I can eat healthy and try to get some healthier choice in for the boys. Ok!! Healthier food!!

Day 30 Mix up the Cardio

Well I went to walk on my treadmill yesterday after I got off of here and the phone rang 2 times and that made Clay get mad and I never did get on the treadmill. I found that the last 2 day I have not done anything. I have just been on a pity party.  and this picture tells it all. I guess I should shut up if I am not going to do anything about it, but then again I have been trying for 30days and I have not lost any weight. I think when I get back from the beach I am going to make a doctors appointment. I can not keep going like this. I am going to get off of here and try to get something done. I hope that we get to leave this house today. I just wish someone would donate to the Garner fund.

Day 29 AMP it up

Today challenge is to amp up my work out. I down loaded some new faster music yesterday. I am going to walk on the treadmill and see if I can get moving.

Day 28 Let's get moving

My plans for this week is to count every drop of food and make sure I do not over eat and to walk 30 mins everyday for one week if I don't lose any weight this week I am going to the doctor. I am back and I refuse to let this fat take over my life!! I am not giving up!

Day 27 What about weights?

Weight training??? I have almost totally given up. I have not lost any weight I am so sore and ache for days even after I walk. I don't want to give up I want to lose this weight. My challenge for this week is to lose a pound. I am going to just cry. I wanted so badly to have at least have lost 20 lbs this summer or 10. Please help me!!

Day 26 I am an Athlete

I have never really played a sports I never had the confidence or felt like I had the ability to run or throw from. I like to play for fun now but I still would never be on a real team because of age, size, and time. The challenge wants me to think about something that I am driven at. Well the only thing that has always driven me is being an advocate for my sons. I have fought for my sons education and needs every since they entered the school system. Now that they are older I do not worry about it like I use to because they are at an age that we can leave the school system and not look back. Well the challenge wanted me to think of things that would motivate me but I am in a place that I don't quite recognize anymore. I titter on the each of giving up and not caring anymore. This is not just in the diet part of my life but all aspects of my life. I have got to try to get out of the funk. We will see. 

Day 25 Shedding pounds and having fun

The challenge for today is to encourage someone today who needs it. Well I will try to accomplish this sometime today but I am the one who needs encouragement. I am so down in the dumps and I thing that my hormones are so out of whack that I am about to lose control!

Day 24 Hope Floats

This topic sounds like you have hope don't give up but it dose not have anything to do with hope it is all about a bowel movement and whether it sinks or float. My book tells me if it "floats" then you are getting plenty of fiber in your diet, if it sinks then you need more. It also tells me that you should have at least 2 to 3 bowel movements a day. I am lucky if I get one LOL! This is a kind of disgusting topic but like my granny always said everyone does it. We need to get twenty-five to thirty grams of fiber a day. I need to check today and see how much fiber I am getting in my diet to $#!+ more than one time a day!

We went back to Bible school last night and Clay behaved. Joan invited us to eat supper with her a Subway before VBS then Clay got to ride in her car which made is day. We also made sure we took Woody head and hat. He rode the horse and wagon with the class and did not have to have me ride with him. I have moments that take me back and make me feel horrible and mad, then I have a glimmer of proud moments that make me forget the bad. Tonight is the last night and the program I hope that Clay will sit up there by himself.

Day 23 Shake the Salt

The challenge for today is to remove salt from your diet. I don't have a lot of trouble with this but I just ate 2 packs of instant butter grits and they are full of sodium. I posted on facebook weight watchers page about how I am not losing weight. They gave me tips about not eating so many fruits and I do eat a lot of fruit. I have been out of fruit for about a week now, but I am out of healthy foods to. I have got to buy groceries and get back to exercising. I need to do better.

Ok now a little about life. We have been going to VBS this week and Clay and Seth have been enjoying it. Last night Clay had to act out and we had to leave. I could not get him to go out of the building and had to go and get Joan to help me. All over a Woody head with his hat. I was so aggravated I could not stand my self. I wish just once that someone understood that does not have fragile x children. Oh well I guess I need to get off of here and try to walk on the treadmill. I hate the treadmill..... Why can't their be an more exciting exercise.

Day 22 Supersize me Not

Portion size, you know where you only eat meat the size of a deck of cards. Eat the size of a cd, or palm of your hand or the first knuckle on your thumb. I know these sizes but it is impossible to eat this small amount of   food when our lives revolve around food. I know the whole purpose of this I just can not lose weight I don't know what I am doing wrong???? I am so sick of being fat but you get so discouraged when you try and try and don't lose not even one pound!!! What do I do?? I have taken weight medication and it does not seem to work, I have been journaling and it does not work and I am not in the mood to starve.

Day 21 Eating Healthy when Eating out!

Well I did not eat healthy today when I eat out at the cow sale I had a cheeseburger all the way and it was delicious! I had a few fries with it also but I gave most of them away. I eat a chewy cookie at Judy and Larry's and then I made an hotdog all the way when we got home and I had 2 of them. I had peach ice and I am out of splenda so I had to use sugar. I am not doing to well on my diet today but I am not planning on eating anything else today. I am not sure how many points I eat today. Oh well there is always tomorrow.

We got up early and went to the cow sale. When we got home Judy gave Seth, Clay and Frankie a hair cut. We ran to Dollar General and got a few groceries to try to make it until Friday. We are going to VBS this week at Smyrna Church.

Day 20 It is okay to be Fruity!

Day 20 is about eating fruit. I do this I eat lots of fruit because on weight watchers fruit is 0 points. I eat fruit for breakfast, snacks, and dessert. I love fruit and I need to go purchase some real soon my stash is getting low. 

Well know that we all know that I love fruit, let me tell you about somethings that are going on in my life. Let's see it has been so hot that you can not even stand to go out of the house for 5 seconds. We have not had any rain that you can say was a rain in over a month going on two. I have been so discouraged and depressed with my weight loss that is not even losing a pound. I am aching from walking on the treadmill I beginning think that it is irritating by lower back and my leg sockets. I am so tired of worrying about money, and how we are going to have enough money to take vacation and pay bills and make it until next payday. I am tired of not having any of my family to spend time together with or even talk on the phone to. I am tired of everyone trying to be better than thou are or thinking they are entitled. I know that I sound like I am complaining and I might be but I am no were close to thinking I am better than any one else. I write this blog but not for everyone to see what a good person I am or what a bad person I am. I am just tired of people they are nuts.  Oh well 

Day 19 Be sure to Eat

I don't have any trouble eating that is not a problem. My problem is eating to much all day long. I don't skip meals but I like to eat. Like for instance this morning I had 2 slices of bacon, 1 egg and 1or 2 pks of instant butter grits. It always seems like food like this leaves me hungry so I eat 2 peaches and then I was not hungry any more. I drank water with my breakfast I read hear recently that you are dehydrated when you wake up in the morning and that you should have 8 oz of water before you drink anything else, so I have been trying to do this. I need to go today and get some fruit I am running out. I have got to get my green beans strung so I need to get off of here and do that. I might come back later. 

Day 18 Bad Words

Reading food labels. I don't always do this but I have. I try not to eat a lot of prepackaged food, but I do love hamburger helper, tacos, and cereal. I sometimes pick cereal because I like it. I try to eat more food that I have canned because I know what is in it. I know that prepackaged food has a lot of preservatives in it that I have no clue what they are. They are probably bad words but I am more accused of saying bad words LOL. Well lets go walk on the treadmill. I feel like taking a nap. I am so tired and sleepy.

Day 17 A Drinking Problem

I sometimes have a drinking problem because water can get so boring and I want a drink! I am so addicted to Pepsi Max it is not even funny I have to have one every evening. I know that it is a diet drink with more caffeine than other drinks but I love them!! At least I am only drinking one a day. I do drink water the rest of the time. I had thought about making some tea this morning I would love a big glass of ice tea but I don't drink it up fast enough to make a gallon and It is like I don't want but that one glass and I want it made with real sugar!! Oh well. I will stick to water for the day and try to break my Pepsi Max habit.

Now about life. I thought today was going to be a bad day I woke up to a bad mood Clay. He was angry this morning because he has been stuck in the house to many days other than running to Whynot or Dollar G. He has been wanting to go to Goodwill for about a week now. So Pawpaw came and got Seth for a little while and I took Clay to Goodwill. He was so happy and well behaved. He found three vhs and we bought them and all the way home he was talking away to me telling me thank you, and telling me about the movies. I love this baby boy of mine. I know he is not a baby anymore he is almost 17 but to me he is still my baby boy.

Day 16 Food Journaling

Today the challenge wants me to keep a food journal for 30 days. I have kept my promise to keep it for a week so far and maybe I have gotten myself in the habit now to continue on. I hoping for a very happy fourth of July I may be back and share more about my day later. Well I have been so tired today. I did not do very much exercise today. I went to the mall and walked around and I walked with my family this afternoon but not as far as usual. I am going to do my best to my little exercise regiment that I found online. I lost another pound this today and I hope that I did not put it back on for having a bad day. I have been very hungry this evening and knowing that there is a box of chocolate poptarts in the the pantry is driving me insane. I have followed my day 16 challenge of praying instead of eating. So far I have not eaten the poptarts. I did stay under my points today even though I had more than yesterday. Well I will get off of here and see you in the morning.

Day 15 Food is Fuel

Today the challenge is to only eat food to fuel our bodies don't use food as an medication to fix all that is going on in our lives. You know I never understood this until I was in my later 20 and after I had children. I would gain weight but I could always lose back down if I tried. I always knew that we as humans have used food when we are happy or sad. To celebrate something special or to honor someone. we use it to comfort our feelings, and to make all problems of the world to go away. I think about my father and his addiction with alcohol and know truly understand that I have a food addiction just like he did with alcohol. I am coming to find out that I am more and more like my daddy the older I get. I don't have the cravings to drink alcohol but I do crave food all of the time and when it taste really good I want more even though I can barley move because I am so full. I eat because I want comfort, or I want something I can control but not really control. Does this make since? I can and I can't control food. I can eat all I want for spit, for anger and just because I am not going to let anyone tell me I can not eat it or I thought you were on a diet. I don't have control when it comes to eating just because when supposedly nothing is wrong and I am happy. I need to really work on this problem. I need to eat food for fuel instead of being an emotional eater.I need to really take control and use food properly for fuel and treat my body the way God intended us to do. When I get ready to eat I need to ask myself if I am eating because I am hungry of if I am trying to feel an empty spot in my heart that should be filled with God instead of food. The book tells me to use this technique over and over that it will be hard at first but I will soon learn that food is for fuel not a way to make us happy. I will work of this because it is important to me to take control of food in my life even if I have to learn to take it one day at a time just like my mom tried to enforce into my brain for years. I thing I will try this and see if I can succeed. 

Day 14 It is Possible ????

What a title for today. I don't feel like nothing is possible today. I am so depressed today. I am feeling really trapped and buried under with no way out just a little light of hope shining dimly through a crack and you can hear the crumbling of the earth slowly moving trying to snuff out this little light of hope...
Today's story is not even motivational to me today. It is about a 20 year old with no marriage, children or a real adult life. She has time to exercise, to buy all healthy food and to get out and play. I feel horrible about complaining when I know that there are millions of people out there and several of them I know personally that are going through things a whole lot harder than being fat, having their health and children that are so called "normal" and will grow up go off to college, and get married, and hopefully have grandchildren and bring them to visit. I get jealous sometimes reading facebook and seeing my friends have a girls night out to go shopping, out to eat or watch a movie. Don't get me wrong I love spending time with my family but I have gotten to a place in my life when it like I have no friends. Every one that was my friend their children have grown up, and they don't have to worry about somebody watching them. They  have their lives with their friends and husband and don't have time for defected "Vicki". Oh well I need to get off this pitty party.
My challenge today is to get a basket ball and dribble it for ten minutes. Yipey!! I am so exicited. I guess I am going to have to make myself more depressed and just stop eating anything that taste like food. Oh well lets go find the basket ball.




 Here is the basketball. It is hard to dribble and take a picture. I can not believe I went out and bounced a ball for 10minutes. I have to say I don't feel quite as depressed but I did get hot. Maybe I should go walk on the treadmill or pick a room to clean. I hate doing either one.

Dat 13 Don't Look Back

Well my challenge for today is to not look back at all of the things that I regret or that I could have done different. Oh I have many things that I could have done different or wish I never did at all or even wonder why did I do or start this? I try to look at some of them as life's little lessons, such as my 1st marriage. Other things like money decisions. I am horrible at managing money. I wish when I lost 60 lbs 6 years ago I would have kept if off instead of gaining it all back plus 10 more pound taking me the whole 6 years to do it but I did!!! Not going to college when I was young instead of trying to do it now with a family, a job and being old and tired.(not to old LOL). One more look back decision I made and still not sure if it was the right one is school decisions for my boys. Alright the second part of the challenge is to vow to God not to let these mistakes to dictate your life today. So my vow is to be the best person I can be NOW and for the rest of time. We are only human and we are suppose to make mistakes and learn from them. My life's little lesson I really feel like God helped with the this decision and sent me in the right direction with it. I asked him for forgiveness an I know in my heart he answered this prayer. As far as the decision I have made in my children's life I feel like God helped me with this also because after getting the Fragile X diagnoses I gave my children to God and asked him to help me be their earthly mom. As for the weight gain this is ridiculous and I worry that maybe I just am not suppose to be skinny healthy or feel good about myself. No I don;t really believe this. I don't feel like this is something that I need to be bothering God with but maybe it is. Sometimes I thing I have convinced myself that I am suppose to be like my mother. That I am not suppose to be happy, lose weight and keep it off, be healthy, and die young. These words hurt my heart and soul as I think them or type them. I need to be healthy and be her as long as possible for my boys. I don't want to leave them until I am really old I mean really, really old. So please Dear God, I pray that you help me get healthy and stay that way for me and my family. Please help me be the best person I can be for my family, friends, and my job. Please help me find that happy place and stay in that zone more than my pity party zone. Please help me be a strong woman, and take care of the people I love but most important take care of me.

Amen

1 Corinthians 6: 15, 19-2015 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

day 12 Can do Words

"I Can't" Famous words that I am sure that everyone has used at one time or another. I have said it many times!! I can't lose weight, I can't do it, I can't, I can't, I can't.  My mom use to tell me that "can't could never do anything". I have to say she is right. I miss my mom and her words of wisdom. I never thought she knew what she was talking about, you know how it was when you are a kid. Now that I am close to the same age she was when she died I realize how much she knew and I miss hearing her tell me her little sayings. Like, "let's get through today before we start worrying about tomorrow". "Don't throw rocks in a glass house". I can do a lot but a lot of times I am just lazy and give excuses. I just hope that I always have to strength and the courage to try to accomplish all of my dreams. Love you mom!!

Well today has been the second day of 100 + temperatures. We have not had any rain in a long time and everything is drying up and dying. We had a cookout today with Judy, Larry, Laura, Van, Dalton and grandma. Dallas was not able to come because he has a new job. We really had a good time visiting with them and getting what will be our last visit with Dalton for a while. He will be leaving in about 2 weeks to go into the Marines. I am very proud of him even though I have never really gotten to know him very well. I pray that he will do very good in the Marines and that he will not have to go to war. It is hard to see my nephews grow up, get their license, graduating high school, and now leaving for college and the marines. I am happy for them but sad for me. I know this is selfish to say and I know it even as I type the words. I have an almost 20 year son and a almost 17 year old son that have Fragile X syndrome. They will never get their license, graduate with a diploma from high school, or leave for college or anything else that other children/young adults will do. I am proud of them and all of their accomplishment and I would not trade them or my life with them for anything in the world!!

Day 11 Don't get "Defeeted"

Today in the book it is about getting new walking shoes. I probably could use a new pair but I do not have the funds to buy any right now. I was starting to get defeated with losing weight though. I have been trying to lose weight since June 12 and I have finally lost 4 pounds but to me this is very sad and I feel very defeated. I decided yesterday with that challenge to journal and exercise everyday for 1 week to see if this would make a difference lets see if it will work. Well I guess I need to go do my exercise I have to can some peaches today. Wish me a great day and that I stay on track.

Day 10 Regaining Control

Today I am suppose to write down a list of things I would like to improve.
1. my weight
2. my exercising
3. my journaling
4. being happy
5. Less cussing (stop)
Any other time I could figure out so many other things. I do not feel my best today. I really need to exercise. but can I make my self.

Day 9 Support: We all NEED It

Support... I must ponder on this for a while. Maybe not. I have always needed support in every aspect of my life. I always tell my husband, siblings, mother-in-law and friends I am very needy. I feel like most people think that I am out going and independent but deep in side this is not the case. I need support when it comes to advice, diet, my children, my life, and everything else. A lot of times I feel all alone and that no one completely understands me. I have days where I don't know why I even try. Sometimes life gets me down even the simple little things push me off the deep end. I sometimes wonder if I need to be on anti-depressants because I do feel depressed sometimes. When it comes to diet I need a mind set, I need a buddy to talk to every day and I need someone to exercise with. I feel like this is why I am not having any success right now. But then again when I do have someone I cheat if that person is losing and I am not. I know that this sound selfish but I don't quite understand it myself. I have come to find out though that the older I get and my boys get, I have less and less friends and opportunities to do anything on my own. Here I go sounding selfish again but facts or facts. It is hard to be me!! Instead of like Gene Simmons would say it is good to be me!! LOL. I even feel like God lets me down sometimes even though I really know better. It is like a friend said on her blog "When no one else understands". This is some parts of her blog that I can really associate with.
1.   Joy FM played the song "Jesus Will." The lyrics say, "when no one else understands how you feel, Jesus will." This morning, I'll admit, that made me mad. I thought to myself, "Yeah right! I don't recall the Bible story where Jesus was working full time and dealing with his three sons every morning." I only have 2 but I have had these mornings and days when you feel like no one cares.
2. "I was listening to 89.5 today and they were talking about God's anger. I thought, "why would God be so mean? Why would we want to serve someone that was so easily angered?" After a minute, I realized that He should get mad at us. He gives us all we that we need and we're being ungrateful children by not listening to what He says for us to do. It's just like when we get mad at the boys - we give them so much, but they still disobey us. They want stuff they don't need and it aggravates us. Same thing with God - He gives us so much, but we disobey. We want stuff we don't need and it aggravates God. So it makes sense that He'd get mad at us."
I have really enjoyed reading her blog she is so inspirational and I am enjoying finding new inspirational blog to read to support me.
Like she says: We may live our life's like cows thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the pasture"

Day 8 Exposing yourself

Oh boy just what I wanted to read this morning exposing my self.... I wants me to weight and take a before picture in a bathing suit like they do on the biggest loser. I am not sure that I am up to this I have been private and I don't really know if I want a picture of myself on my blog in a bathing suit or a sports bra and shorts. I guess if I really think about it. I am fat with clothes on or off it is just prettier not to see dimply fat!!! I have been trying to lose weight every since June 11th and I have only lost 2 .2 lbs. I know that I have days that I have not ate like really healthy everyday, but I have done so much better. I hate this new older body me. I think about my mom when she was my age she could still lose weight at a reasonable rate. I know they say losing weight at a slow rate is better but a pound a week is not to much to ask, is it? I am going to write down everything I eat for one week and see if I can find out the problem. I am also going to do my exercise without excuses. Alright I am going to go take a picture of my self and if it is worse than the picture I have already posted I am not sure if it will get posted. Going to exercise to!! 

OMG did I just do this!!! This is really exposing more than I or probably anyone else wanted to see this morning.

Day 7 It is Monday Morning for sure

Well the clock went off at 8:00 this morning so that we could get up and run to Candor to Jack's supply to get chicken house supplies before it gets to hot. I got up and took a shower and Frank shaved. While I was getting ready Frank took a shower and his phone started ringing. When it rings this early in the morning usually someone is needing something. I said "do you want me to answer it?" Which he did and sure enough it was his dad. His parents are leaving this morning going to Virginia for a short vacation. Well his dad wanted to know where Frankie was and I told him he was in the shower. He starts in by telling me that a maple tree has fallen across the drive to the cow pasture and has to be removed now because a man is on his way to put out lime on the pasture. Well Frankie had to go out and cut the tree which is covered in a hairy vine that could possibly be poison which Frankie is allergic to. So he had to go take another shower in poison wash. We finally got gone about an hours or so later. It did not take us long to get the supplies and we stopped and got a bushel of peaches! I love peaches and it reminds me of summers of staying with my granny and working at the peach stand. I love doing things that remind me of my childhood even though some would say I had a crazy and not to inviting childhood but to me it was normal!
Today in the 90 day challenge is "You Can Do It" I can really put myself in this woman shoes. I can not believe how fat I am and my measurements just from last summer. I am slowly getting bigger and bigger and I hate myself for it. I feel horrible and achy most days. Since summer vacation started I have been doing exercise and trying to eat healthier. I get to craving sweets and I have been trying to eat fruit. The bad thing is that we have been keeping oreos in the house and it is so hard to get them out of your mind until you have a pack. The first pack I shared with Clay and that satisfied me for the time, but know that they are in the cabinet drives me insane... My dad was an alcoholic and I never understood while he was alive why he could not just stop the habit. I know why now, I am a foodohlic. I am like a junkie looking for their next fix. I hat that I have let food take over me like this and I am going to beat this addiction this summer once and for all. Life is to short to live this way. My mom was overweight just like me but she did smoke and I know that this contribute to her cancer and stress that took her life way to young. She was just 4 years older than me when she died. I need to live longer than this for my boys. This is always in the back of my mind who is going to take care of them if something happens to me. Don't get me wrong I know that their dad will but he is not mom. Oh well that is enough about that. I hope that I will be able to keep this promise to myself.
 
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.


P.S. I think I will go and get this gray out of my hair.

Day 6, New Thrills

I did not have a really good eating day yesterday. I had a ham biscuit from Hardee's .
 I had cantaloup, squash steamed, 1 wheat baked chicken tender, 9 oreos, Chick-fil=la chicken nuggets, and waffle fries, 3 snack size milky way caramel candy bars, more cantaloup and 2 peaches. I never did make myself do any good exercise but we did take are family walk. Today will be better. I got to go buy my hair color yesterday and I am going Monday hopefully to get a hair cut . I am so ready for a new me.. Today I am suppose to think about and write something that I have avoided doing because of my weight. I have not avoided anything lately. Other than the fact I don't want my husband hugging my fat. I know this sounds weird but you know what I mean if you are fat. I avoid putting resent pictures of myself on facebook because of how fat I am. I just feel really bad about my self. I  get sick of worrying about what I eat, not getting enough exercise, and not being able to get into my clothes comfortable. I hate the fact that I am tired and achy all of the time.  I would love to go have my toenails done but I am embarrassed because I can not reach my toes. So I guess you can so that I avoid these things. LOL  The challenge for the day also wants me to think about how it would feel to be thin....Well I have been thinner and  I loved it but for some reason I can not handle being thin or I let everything else over whelm and I get were I don't care. "Like be happy fat" or "your not that fat", but then you see your self in a picture only to wonder who is that fat woman? knowing the whole time it is you! Oh yeah I avoid cameras also. I don't appear to be a shy person but deep inside I think I really am. I hate getting attention. Oh well.

Some questions I need to answer during my challenge:
1. If I were a healthy weight, what would that look like? It would look 80 lbs lighter.
2. What would it feel like to but clothes in size____? I would love to wear a size 12 again. This was a good easy to find size and I felt good about my self at the size.
3. What if I didn't have to dread getting dressed in the mornings? I would love this!! I would love it to put on something and it was not to tight, stretched out, blousey, and belly rolls.
4. What if I could play with the kids without getting out of breath? This would be wonderful since I am a teacher in a special ed class and having 45 min PE with them can wear a fat women plum out!!
5. What would I do differently if money was not an issue? Oh the things I would do.... Dream... I would buy healthy food all of the time. I would buy me a building and set it up with exercise equipment and use it. I would buy new clothes, and reward myself. I would move to the beach. I would build a pool. DREAM DREAM dream.....
6.What church or charity would I give to if I had more finances? I would help my church Union Grove Baptist build the life center to exercise in then I would not need my own exercise equipment. I would build a day program for disabled adults and hire people to help me run it. I would give to to the charity to help for programs for disabled adults and children.
7. If nothing was holding me back what would I most likely do in life that I haven't done? I would me more active outside, such has hiking mountains, bike riding, horse riding, kayaking, snow and water skiing, and so many other outdoor activities I would love to do.
8. What things did I dream about before life took over? I am not sure but it was not to feel overwhelmed and fat like my mom. It was not to have disabled children, and have to always considered them before me or anything else. It was to have a normal life, do a little traveling, have a place at the river and at the beach. to do do and do some more....

Don't Quit

by: Unknown Author

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Day 5 Faith matters

Today the challenge wants to know if I have any unforgivness in my heart. At this time I don't have any anger toward anyone. I do have aggravation toward many though. Is this the same? No but I do spend way to much time being aggravated. I hate that my extended family does not have anything to do with each other since my granny passed and my parents. I hate that my sibling can not find time to communicate with me at least once a week. I hate that we have to struggle way to much with money. I hate that fragile x gets in the way a lot. I hate a dirty house but I hate to clean it because it does not stay clean. So I do have a lot of things that bother me. I was asked by a dear friend to try and find my inner peace and I promised I would work on that this summer. So today I got out my Bible and read it, and I meditated for 10 minutes after I did my exercise. Maybe I will get to the point that I don't let things aggravate me so much.

Day 4 Dreams and Visions

Today the 90 day challenge is telling me that in the Bible tells us in the last days God will pour His Spirit out on the flesh and that young men will see visions and old men will dream dreams (Acts 2:17). The books thinks the interpretation of this is that young men have visions of where they want to go and what they want to do, like a plan. They old men  have usually accomplish their visions and living their dreams. I am not sure what my view is on this. The book also is telling me to take the time and ask God what his purpose in my life is. I am not sure if I have every asked God what my purpose is. I am  just following the plan day by day I have been trying to live the way my mom try to teach to lets get through today before we worry about tomorrow. I have a hard time doing this because I am always thinking ahead and what is going to happen. Like why am I going to college when I don't know what I am going to be doing in 5 years. Where are the boys going to be and doing when the graduate high school. I know they will still be living with me but I want them to have a program to keep them busy. I worry about where are we going to be as a family next year? What are we going to do about money, taxes, bills and trying to make life as easy as possible for our whole family. I know that I am not suppose to worry and give it all over to God but this is hard. I have had my ups and downs and I know that I have had time that I have been very angry with God and ask way to many questions? I know that I would not be where I am in life today if it was not for God but here again I wonder why he makes life so hard? But is it him that makes life hard or is it the devil (evil spirits) that make life so hard. You watch the news, and listen to the people and how they are leaving God out their lives. The evil, killing, robbing, pornography, and so much more. Oh well I am getting off of my dreams and visions. My dream is I will get my 4yr degree, I will start a program for disabled adults like a day center to work, play, and learn. That my boys will continue learning and growing into the best adults they can be. To write a book, to be healthier, to be truly happy, and not worry. I dream that we will get out of this unbelievable debt and be able to live with out worry on how we are going to pay for something or not to live on credit or not worry. To See The Vision of coming out of this debt and surviving without filing bankruptcy. The dream of living at the beach, working at a day program, not worrying about what will happen to my boys if I was to die. The dream and the vision to me are just dreams and vision and not much of a glimmer of coming true. I think I will go pray and exercise and stop making myself even more depressed. Dream and vision about being healthy even thought in reality I have not control of this either. LOL

Well the day started off rough. I found out because I forgot to send my renewal membership to the teacher assistant with the state that I am about to lose my extra pay that I need bad. I discovered that my youngest son tore up the 3 cases that the videos were in  and hid them. I finally got all of them put back together then I found out that he tore up won of the covers went to print me a new cover and the printer ran out of ink. We were hoping that either Mr. Garner or I would get paid but we didn't. WOW what a morning. But I got everything worked out and I finally got paid and paid all of my bills.

I am suppose to write 5 mini goals to get thiner
1. drink more water
2. exercise at least 5 times a week
3. make better eating choices
4. journal every day
5. most important PRAY

Day 3 lose the guilt

A side view on June 21,  2012

Front view on June 21, 2012

Today is about taking time for yourself and not feeling guilty about it. This is really hard to do sometimes but I try to take time at home for myself by exercising, washing my face and soaking my feet. Being a mom of sons that have Fragile X syndrome things can get nerve racking sometimes and makes you want to have lots of alone time. I am usually with them all day long everyday. Even during school time since I work in their classroom as a teacher assistant. I enjoy being with them and watching them learn and growing in the world to become accepted and liked. I had a really proud moment this year right before school got out for the summer with my oldest son Seth won the Mustang Way award, the first time it was ever given and it was for his outgoing personality. Getting back to making time for myself... The challenge wants me to mark out 4 days to exercise. I have been trying to exercise some way every day since school got out for summer break. I have been trying to the 30 day shred, walk outside, work in my flower garden and walking on my treadmill. But here again I have days I do not want to exercise. Like yesterday for instant, I never could make my self get up and exercise. I sit outside in the sun and got so hot, and I made myself really aggravated because I was making myself bored. I kept thinking about even if I lost 30 lbs this summer I will still weigh 200 lbs. how sad is that, but I would be 30 lbs lighter. I will never give up. 

Time is on your side.....

2nd day of the ninety 90 challenge. Funny that this is talking about starting things and not finishing because it take time and in most cases money too. I was just talking about that in my blog yesterday on starting things and feeling like I never finish them. I have been trying to lose weight it seems like all of my life. I remember in the 4th grade and a boy told me I was fat and it really hurt my feelings because I thought the boy was cute and his last name was Thomas like mine but he was a rowdy boy. (but is that not what girls are usually attracted to the "bad boy".) Oh well, I would do exercise every night working on what I thought was a fat belly. Now at age 45 I am still working on my fat but not as hard as I use to. I have gotten really lazy and sometimes I feel like I need to give up and just be happy fat. I just can not bring myself to this though. Another thing I have started, is my desire to get my teaching degree. I get so discouraged because I am only able to take 2 classes a semester and I get so burned out. I had absolutely decided to quit this last semester because I found out that I have 26 more classes to take. This will take me around 5 years to complete, which made me start thinking about I don't even know what I will be doing in 5 yrs. and if I will even want to teach. I want to be with my boys or I will be with my boys.  I read a blog this morning and I completely feel my friends feelings on the " Old Me". Let me tell you a little bit about the old me. I got married a little after my 17th birthday. I should have never done this because I knew in my heart I would never be happy but I want to be "free" to make my own decisions and to come and go as I wanted to. I had most of this freedom but I was not happy. I had to work 2nd shift and I messed a lot of quality time with my mom. I finally ask God to help me. I had made a mistake but I did not take my vows lightly. I knew that I had promised to God to make this marriage work but I talked to him about it and asked him for a sign to show me that it was okay to seek happiness through divorce. So one day my prayers where answered and my ex came in and nicely asked me if I wanted a divorce and he helped me pack. Oh well that is enough about that. A few months went by and I met Frankie the man of my dreams. The man who has supported me and loved me just for who I am. The "Old Me" The one as a pretween  wanted to get married and be happy and have children and live the so called "American Dream" that goes along with a husband, wife and 2 children. Here again a wrench was thrown into my plans with God changing what I thought I needed and wanted. He gave me the 2 beautiful boys that I love with all my heart but here again I have to say or ask "Why Me"??? Why me did you have to pick out of so many children, grandchildren, and all the other relatives to pass this horrific defected gene to? It took me a lot of prayers and forgiveness to get to the point to ask "why not me?" I will have to say there are times that I have pity parties and still ask "Why Me?" but I have grown to accept that this is the plan that God has for my life and that maybe I need to finish school because maybe he has plans for me after the boys get out of school. Like the dream of starting a day program for adults with special needs that need something to do and somewhere to go without living in a group home. I miss the old me sometimes but I really like the new me but I would like the new me to be a skinny me!

Dream a little Dream

I have tried several times to do this 90-day Fitness Challenge but like most things in my life I have not had any success with it or should I said I have not followed all the way through to the end with it. Let's see if their is any way possible that I can a accomplish this challenge this summer. The 1st day mini-challenge is to write down your dreams. Lets see my dreams when I was a child was to grow up and be a mom, a veterinarian, and have a well rounded life. Like traveling, and activities with the children and little trips with my husband. Well things did not work out exactly like that. Thing in my young adult life lets just say they were "life's little lessons". When I was 21 I meet my husband that I am married to now. Our romance started off fast and has been going strong every since. We have been together for 24 years and like all marriages we have had our ups and downs. We have 2 wonderful teenage boys but here again this was a detour or maybe a different direction in our dreams that we were planning for. When my oldest son was 2 1/2 years old I took him to Chapel Hill to be evaluated by a team of doctors and therapist. I was told that he either was mildly autistic or he had fragile x syndrome. At the time I was 4 months pregnant with my second child and was told if we have fragile x then there was a 50/50 chance that this child would have it to. I was devastated and decided right then and there that it was not Fragile X and that my second child would not have anything wrong with him. Well this was in early spring and in November I had another son. Things looked promising because I did not see the same things going on with him as I did my first child such as waking up in the middle of the night with night terrors or having constant ear infections. My baby boy was following his developmental milestones but there was just a little something off. He did not babble, or make normal baby sounds. By the age 2 I took him to chapel hill and had blood work done for the fragile x and the test come back positive for this horrible gene.   Here I was a mom just like I dreamed but, both of my parents had passed away. I had quit my job all before my first sons birthday. My husband and I struggled because of only one income and having to go to the doctor a lot for ear infections, diapers, potty training was hard and replacing things that they broke. We learned how to follow a whole new dream that we did not even have anything to do with. Our dreams now was all about the boys and their education and accomplishing goals to make them able to do as much as possible with their mental disabilities. They have grown into fine young men and I am very proud of them. More than the mom part was changed. We had to plan out things to help the boys adjust for changes, we had to have many battles with IEP's and getting the services that we felt that our boys needed. My husband had to work 2 and 3 jobs to help keep us a float. Man I am glad these days are over but then I again I missed my boys when they were little. I have to say though any many ways it is still like we have little boys in men bodies. Well life went on and my oldest son was in school and my younger son was in preschool and I had time on my hands. I started exercising with my husbands uncle Bobby, I started finally losing my baby weight from my 3 year old baby. I was 202 lbs. when I joined weight watchers. I lost 61 lbs putting me as the smallest I had been since 9th grade but never did make goal because of changes in life. Well when my youngest son started school I decided to go back to college and try to get a degree in something, this was in 2003. In 2006 I graduated with a degree in Early childhood. During my college days I thought I was suppose to eat while I studied and I stopped exercising as much and eating out more. I started gain my weight back that I had worked so hard to lose. I started looking for a job as a teacher assistant and the perfect job came open for me in a self-contained classroom at the high school my oldest son was getting ready to attend. I have been doing this for over 5 years now and I loving every minute of it. Never thought I would ever in a million years want to teach  children let along special ed students. Another dream change. Now I have been struggling with stress, and getting fatter and fatter. The teacher I started off working with retired and left me in the middle of the school year. They did not hire a teacher back for the rest of the year and I was going to college again this time to become a teacher. I was taking 3 classes and I was stressed to the max. Also around Christmas time we lost one of our precious students to death. I had to run the class which I had great help, but we did a lot of cooking and eating. I started slowly gaining weight, until I am at the heaviest I have ever been 237.8. I have been working on trying to lose again but now that I am 45 years old and so fat that I don't feel like moving it is not as easy to come off. But I will not give up because this is my dream to be healthy and able to move and wear clothes that are not fat people clothes. My other dream is to finish college with my 4yr. degree in special education. I have talked myself into quitting several times but I am struggling to make myself stay in, because of my thing of starting something and quitting before I reach my goal. So I guess I will keep dreaming of getting my teaching degree, losing weight, moving to the beach and being out of debt.

Monday

Hello Monday, I am trying harder to lose this weight. I changed my exercise up today and walked 2 miles on the treadmill today instead of the 30 day shred. I have eaten a little less today. I am going to try to get this blogging down to. I want to be able to write something interesting that someone would like to read. Yesterday we went to Sunday school and when we got home Clay decided to have a melt down. I tried not to laugh but some of it was just funny. He was trying to fight Seth.  He had Seth caught with his feet and legs on the bed and he was yelling "you idiot", imitating what he has heard Seth say before when he is mad. Later we went to Judy and Larry's and Clay got aggravated over there and went and got in the car and start yelling "shit". What I am I going to do with these children??? I am at a lost. One day we went over to their house and when we got back in the car Clay had my bottle of tums and it had some pain medicines in it to and had them all in his mouth and scared the crap out of Frank. My life is always crazy and nobody really know except the other parents that have children with Fragile X. Things that go on at our house is crazy. 

Dear Fat lady,

Dear Fat lady, I have changed the title of my post because I have become such a fat lady. I am so angry at myself and I love to eat! I have been doing exercise and I have been trying to eat better but NO weight has came off!! I am so discouraged. I am fatter than I have ever been in my whole life!! Why do I let my life totally fall apart? Why can't I really get control of my self. I need to try something different something to open my eyes and see the skinny lady that is inside me shriveling up because the fat lady is winning a little more everyday! Will she have the strength to reenter this world? Please Fat Lady leave!!!