Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Time is on your side.....

2nd day of the ninety 90 challenge. Funny that this is talking about starting things and not finishing because it take time and in most cases money too. I was just talking about that in my blog yesterday on starting things and feeling like I never finish them. I have been trying to lose weight it seems like all of my life. I remember in the 4th grade and a boy told me I was fat and it really hurt my feelings because I thought the boy was cute and his last name was Thomas like mine but he was a rowdy boy. (but is that not what girls are usually attracted to the "bad boy".) Oh well, I would do exercise every night working on what I thought was a fat belly. Now at age 45 I am still working on my fat but not as hard as I use to. I have gotten really lazy and sometimes I feel like I need to give up and just be happy fat. I just can not bring myself to this though. Another thing I have started, is my desire to get my teaching degree. I get so discouraged because I am only able to take 2 classes a semester and I get so burned out. I had absolutely decided to quit this last semester because I found out that I have 26 more classes to take. This will take me around 5 years to complete, which made me start thinking about I don't even know what I will be doing in 5 yrs. and if I will even want to teach. I want to be with my boys or I will be with my boys.  I read a blog this morning and I completely feel my friends feelings on the " Old Me". Let me tell you a little bit about the old me. I got married a little after my 17th birthday. I should have never done this because I knew in my heart I would never be happy but I want to be "free" to make my own decisions and to come and go as I wanted to. I had most of this freedom but I was not happy. I had to work 2nd shift and I messed a lot of quality time with my mom. I finally ask God to help me. I had made a mistake but I did not take my vows lightly. I knew that I had promised to God to make this marriage work but I talked to him about it and asked him for a sign to show me that it was okay to seek happiness through divorce. So one day my prayers where answered and my ex came in and nicely asked me if I wanted a divorce and he helped me pack. Oh well that is enough about that. A few months went by and I met Frankie the man of my dreams. The man who has supported me and loved me just for who I am. The "Old Me" The one as a pretween  wanted to get married and be happy and have children and live the so called "American Dream" that goes along with a husband, wife and 2 children. Here again a wrench was thrown into my plans with God changing what I thought I needed and wanted. He gave me the 2 beautiful boys that I love with all my heart but here again I have to say or ask "Why Me"??? Why me did you have to pick out of so many children, grandchildren, and all the other relatives to pass this horrific defected gene to? It took me a lot of prayers and forgiveness to get to the point to ask "why not me?" I will have to say there are times that I have pity parties and still ask "Why Me?" but I have grown to accept that this is the plan that God has for my life and that maybe I need to finish school because maybe he has plans for me after the boys get out of school. Like the dream of starting a day program for adults with special needs that need something to do and somewhere to go without living in a group home. I miss the old me sometimes but I really like the new me but I would like the new me to be a skinny me!

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