evening walk

We went out of for a walk this evening since it was not raining. While we were walking we saw the most birds flying north. I have never in all of my life saw so many birds. I wish I had my camera but one time that I don't take it I see something I want to take a picture of.

Motivation

"Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly." --Stephen R. Covey

The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation. And then, guess what? After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it." --John Maxwell



I can relate with the first motivational quote. I will get all fired up when I see others that are losing weight, or when I feel so fat that I hate myself. Then something will happen and put out my fire. It could be as little as my foot hurting, feeling sorry for myself, or getting mad! I just can not find the answer any more. My husband offered to pay for me to go back to weight watchers but I am scared I will fail and I turned him down. I am suppose to be working on the 90 day challenge with my friends on facebook and they are on day 17 and I have not really even began. I am sitting here thinking about how fat I am and how bad I feel. I can hardly breath, my fat pants are tight, and I am scared that my blood pressure is going up and that I could have an heart attack. I know these things should be motivational enough but... I just can not make my heart and mind get on the same page. I really need advice or someone or something to kick my ass!!!

I know how you feel!

This blog entry is almost like a reply to a friend/family that can understand what I and every other mom that has a son with fragile x goes through. She and I have more in common than either of us know and I am sure it is like all mothers the fear of the unknown. Every since Seth's diagnose when he was 2 and half years old I have been scared. I did not want to know what was going to happen I wanted everything to be alright and everybody be normal. Talking him to preschool I could never leave him because I could not trust anyone with him. I stayed with him everyday pregnant with my second child and about 3 months after my second baby was born before I ever let them talk me into leaving Seth there without me. I cried until I could not find any more tears. I went straight to my brothers house 5 minutes away and called the school to see if he was okay. He was happy and that was the beginning of learning to trust teachers and the kids. Then we had to begin kindergarten and the fear starts all over. I never forget the school psychiatrist telling me that he needs to be put on medication before he would ever be able to  attend this school. The beginning of my battle are starting all over again. Learning to trust teachers, IEP teams and administrators is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to battle with the school to even keep him there until he was in the 4th grade when I finally got a self contained classroom room at the school for both of my sons to attend. My next transition was high school. I got really lucky and got a job as a teacher assistant in his classroom and I have been with him the whole 6 years that he has attended. I have watched him grow, and make great friends during this time and now it is time for him to graduate. Once again I am faced with the question what is next? I have looked into to some of the programs at the local community colleges but I am not ready for the real world of all ages of students. The unknown of who will pick on him, I can not, I am not prepared, I am not able to let my baby go out into the world with out me. I have given him more independence, I let him go out all over the campus at school, and work with the custodian with out assistance. But I feel safe knowing that I am on campus with him. I am going to let him graduate, but I am sure that he will just stay and work on the farm with his dad until his brother graduates and then we will start our next adventure. All because I am not ready to let my baby go out into the real world. I pray that God will have mercy on me and not take my life before my children or that he will eventually give me the courage and the trust to let them live with out me.

Fatter than Ever!

Well I have decided to join weight watchers again. I am feeling very committed and I hope that this time that I will do it and keep the weight off. I am joining Tuesday and Frankie says that he and Seth are going to do it with me. I know I can do this and I hope that we will all stick to it and get healthy. I am falling apart. I can barley walk on my right foot for the pain of planter factitious. It has my knee hurting my fat clothes are starting to get tight. that is size 22-24 the biggest I have ever worn.I am tired, lazy, ornery, and ready to be healthier.

Good Morning Sunday!

Well The morning started early, I woke up with indigestion, and hot flashes. Lets ketch up a little bit. I have been back to work for 2 weeks. I have had my ups and downs these 2 weeks and I am hoping that things will get better and stay that way. We had Seth's birthday Friday and it was a great day! Seth had his senior pictures taken and he received some nice gifts. Joan came to the party and it was great seeing her. She told me she has lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks after re-joining weight watchers. I am going on weight watchers full blast today.

Day55 Run for your Life Starting over

Today is September the 1st and I am going to run for my life and try to save it before I get even farther at of control. They have started a club at school to run a 5k. I have never been a runner and I am not sure I can start now but I am willing to try so that I can lose this weight. I am at my wits end and I don't know which way to turn. I have not eaten well today at all.
Breakfast: 12 ff crackers and 2 tbs of peanut butter.
Lunch: 2 chicken tenders perdue wheat
           2 tyson anytizer hotbites
supper 4 slices of the works papa johns pizza (with out the sausage)
1 pepsi max
I will do better tomorrow.

Day 54 No More Pity Parties

Man I needed this one today. Today is Tuesday, August 21, 2012.  I It is my second day back at work and I had all intentions of starting back on my diet full blast again and see if I can lose at least 10 pounds. I had 1 plum, a vanilla activia, a small salad with light balsamic vinegar dressing. For supper I and 6 oz piece of chicken fried in olive oil (2 tbs) 1 cup of reduced fat mac and cheese, 1 small homemade biscuit 1/2 cup can corn and some watermelon. I had 2 heaping tsp of chunky Jif peanut butter, 1 coffee latte, and some popcorn hot-air popped.  I am not sure how good or bad I have done today but I have moved a lot. I am glad that I have Anna working with me. If I can just get her to not cry every time she talks about her family I will be happy. Tomorrow is open house and I have to work until 7:00 but I am planning on leaving early. I am going to pick up the boys for the open house.