Kind of Slack on blogging....

I had all intention on blogging everyday or at least every other day. I have been lazy at blogging I always have so much to say but I am not sure of how many people I want reading it. I have been having lots of mixed feelings about a lot of different life things. I have really been getting aggravated with Clay and his FX. Some days he really pushes me over the each. I wish that I had respite or someone who would give me a break at least twice a month. Is that really asking for to much?? I am also guilty of questioning things that should not really be questioned. I believe it all to be true, but I have so many doubts and question of things I will probably will not find out the answer until it is my time. I have been doing the 30 day shred and trying to do better on my eating to get healthy once again. I am so tired and heavy and I am not comfortable with myself. Losing weight can be so disappointing especially if you gain when you have been doing good. Like this morning I was up 3 pounds. Where did that come from, and what did I do eat a ham biscuit from Hardee's .Oh well I am so sleepy I can barley hold my eyes open. I was going to tell about all of the funny things or the bad things that the boys and fragile x brought to me all summer. Clay has been talking more, he has been sneaking food into his room more and more. He has gotten were he loves Play with me sesame. He has gotten his jar back out and fixing ice water. He has broke the lock on the back door, he has broke 2 or 3 pairs of headphones. He has tore up books, and movies and dvd and he hardly ever watches tv in his room anymore. He has been staying up late but he does not really sleep that late. He has begged to go to the beach. I took him to see Winnie the Pooh movie, we went swimming with Joan, Laura, Ashley, and he loved it. He has showed me stuff on the computer that he wants, to have or to print. Seth has been a true teenager all summer. I have heard him cuss, feel bad because no girls will call him. He just needs a girl really bad. He has stopped eating chicken nuggets at home. I worry about making the right decisions for him. I just want him to be happy. His birthday is coming up and I wish I really knew what he wanted that I could really get him. Oh well. I love these boys with all of my heart and I will never stop. 

Life

Today has been a very lazy day for me. I have not wanted to do anything. I finally got the energy up to do my exercise and I was interrupted before I completed my 20mins. I have eaten really badly all day. Why is it they when the scales tell you that you have lost 3 pounds that you think that you can eat? I am tired of being talked to like I am a idiot. I can not even get the courage to stand up for myself. I need to pray and hope that God will help me work out my problems. It is impossible to be happy around here. You always are having to watch what you say and what you do. You have to tackle everything like it is a problem. I don't know how much longer I can go on without a break ever now and then. all summer I have had the boys. I am responsible for them when school starts back to get them up and ready for school get them on the bus, get them off the bus, teach them all day, put them back on the bus then get them off at home. While along I have a new teacher that I will be having to learn when school starts. Having to listen to the bullshit of complaining and griping. I will have 3 classes to study and pass. What the hell am I thinking???? Is there ever going to be a simple time in our live ever again. Will I ever be slimmer again? Will I ever be?????

Dreams

I read the 90 day challenge and for the 1st day you are suppose to write down your dreams. Don't get me wrong I have had dreams and I still do occasionally but I do often wonder if dreams are just dreams. I try to keep that positive upbeat attitude that tells me that anything is possible if you believe and don't give up hope. I think that this is true but then again it still depends on if God thinks that it is good for you. I know that I am not the best christian but I do know that I pray, I believe that God sent Jesus to die for our sins, but I don't think they he takes time to listen to every thing everyone has to say. Well back to dreams. What are my dreams. Let me think..... I dream that I can lose weight and get healthy so that when I do get older I will not hate it as bad as I hate the thought of being old. I would like to met this goal before I am 45 which will be next April. I dream that I will complete my teaching degree and be able to help my children and other children (or should I say young adults ). I dream of having a connection with my family again that one day we will be happy and talk and visit one another. I have dream but I am realistic and know that they will not all come true.

pondering

I have been pondering around this idea that true friends may have never really exists. Especially since my children are teenagers. When they were little I was in like a little mom's group with other moms that had children my age. Then when they start to school things started slowing down. I know that everyone has a life and a family and they are busy trying to keep up with all of the different things that are throw at us. The friends I had when my children were young are know working and doing things they want to do, while I am still having to take care of my boys. Fragile X never lets up. It never lets you see beyond the day. It takes away all of your dreams of a so called normal life but it also makes you stop and thank God that it is my life. Like going to the prom this year with my 18 year old. He is very kind and innocent mind. I did not have to worry about where he was or if he was drinking, having sex, or having a wreck. He was in my back seat with his date telling her not to be scared that he would protect her. Then I have Clay??? He is my youngest son and he can not handle these kinds of things even though we are working on it. I just want friends that truly care and truly understand. Someone who does not judge or care about the way my life is. I want family that will listen and visit and want to really be connected. I want to believe that there is a true purpose why things are the way they are. Oh well I was just pondering now it is getting to deep.

VBS this week

This has been a great week! The boys really enjoyed going to Smyrna VBS this week. They love going to Joan's church for bible school. Seth has loved going with the Backyard Busters to visit and help clean the elder members of the church. He loves seeing the girls. Clay did good today even without Ashley being there. He even sit with his tribe on the stage with out me this year. The only bad thing that happen this week was that we had a chance to go to the beach with Joan early this morning (Friday) and stay over night and come back Saturday night, but someone had to pout and try to make us feel guilty for wanting to go somewhere. He is a great person but really, he is so ridiculous. I hate being trapped smothered and not able to make decision without a guilt trip. I mean I am 44 years old and still feel 4 oh well.

Sunday July 3, 2011 What A DAY!

Since I have been on here to blog a lot has happened. On Sunday July 3rd we got up and went to Sunday school. This went ok with no problems. When we got home I told Clay that we would ride the 4-wheeler and go and pick some beans. I went in and changed clothes and got a basket to put the beans in then I sprayed Clay and I with bug spray. We headed to the back of the house to get the 4 wheeler. I had to unhook the sprayer, while doing this Clay walked around and threw some lighter-knots of the plow. I think I noticed he had his ipod and head phone on but could not swear. We get on the 4 wheeler and head up toward the chicken house. I take him for a short ride and head to the garden. I park Clay in the shade and I proceed to pick green beans. Clay sat there really good for a while. I was over half way through the 1st row of beans. I was hot and Clay was getting restless. I noticed that he got off of the 4 wheeler and walks out to the garden and gets some rocks. I notice that he goes and stands at the cow pasture and looks out in the pasture. I finally get done and tell Clay lets go for a ride and cool off. We see Frankie coming out of the chicken house so we ride up there to tell him we have been picking beans. He is wanting some water so Clay and I went down to the house and Clay stayed outside while I went in and got the water, Clay some kool-aide and he wants his tractor and pig and I got his billfolds. When I come back out Clay is off of the 4-wheeler and has hid my baskets. I ask him where is the baskets and he goes and gets them and we go to back to the 4 wheeler. We take Frankie his water and we take a ride out to grandmas and ride around the fields and look at her gardens. While we are out there Judy brings grandma home from church. We follow Judy back to her house and Clay stays with her while I go and finish picking my beans. I go back to the garden and pick one more row of beans and by the time I finish I feel sick because I am so hot. My clothes are wringing wet and I feel very weak. I get back on the 4 wheeler and head to the house and get me some water and I sit in the swing and cool off some. I get the water hose and spay a mist on my face and arms. I go back up to the chicken house to take Frankie some more water and he is done and he ready to come to the house. We come to the house and I go in and take a shower and Frankie goes to get Clay from Judy's house. We cook us some hamburgers and hotdogs and the grill. While we are eating Seth ask where is  Clay's ipod, I say he must of left it at mamaws. I call Judy to make sure they do not leave with the ipod at her house but she said she don't remember Clay having it when he gets off the 4 wheeler at her house. She tells me when she gets home she will look. Sure enough when she gets home it is not at her house. Oh CRAP!! I can not for the life of me remember when the last time he had it. I am starting to panic because I can not remember the last time I seen the ipod. I know the whole time we were at the garden I told him to watch his movies and I would take him for a ride in a little while. So I finish eating my burger and I go get on the 4 wheeler and head to the garden to look. I did not find it anywhere. I go on to Judy's but she said it is not there. I follow my path back to the house but no ipod. I am beginning to panic now. Trying hard to remember when was the last time I saw the ipod. I get Clay and go to the church and make sure we did not leave it there. It was not. I made Clay walk all over grandmas looking for it, but no ipod. I come back home and Frank is all upset I am upset and still no ipod. So I go back to the 4 wheeler, all around the area down at the building where clay was. No ipod. I walk back to the garden and Frankie goes with me. I walk every place Clay was and then Frankie spots it in the cow pasture. There are 3 big rock laying around it and the headphones wires are yanked out and nowhere to be find. The ipod still worked and was not broke thank the lord!! I was sweating like crazy one more time today. Not a big fan of fragile X or heat today!!!

Back to Reality!!

Well we had a great time at the beach! It was great and both of the boys had a great time. We had lots of good food and Clay enjoyed going in all of the restaurants  that we tried. Clay enjoyed laying on the beach where the waves crashed on him. He loves the beach so much. We have only been back 2 days and Clay has begged to go back. While I was unpacking he was trying to put everything back in the suitcases. Seth had a great time looking at the girls. He just loves girls and would love to have a girlfriend.

Wednesday June 15

Well I really feel down in the dumps today. I don't know why but I just do. I would love to yell or cry or sleep or something. It has nothing to do with the boys or my husband. It is just the fact that economy is bad, budget is bad, and money is very low!!

well

Well today was a bust for doing the things I said I would I am still working on how to tackle the things I want to accomplish. Today I mainly rested. I read a book that I have had for a long time, I caught up on stuff I had DVR , and I cleaned on the house some. I have not been worth a lot today. I did get Clay to make kool-aid today. He did a good job with it. We went outside and watched his daddy mow the yard. Clay loves to do this. But for most part Clay and I have not done very much. I might just keep working on the things I want to do and really enforce them when we get back from the beach. Seth has done his thing today too. Days like today I feel like it is summer and why do I want to push my kids? What do I really want from them? For most part they do what they are told with an exception of a meltdown here and there with Clay. I will figure this out and it will be a great summer and I will get things accomplished. I am just slow at getting started. But I could look at it like this. I did say I was going to read several books that I have been wanting to read. I did this today. I worked my flowers some and I wanted to do more yard work. LOL oh well I will stop here. I might go take a walk on my treadmill. I really needs some exercise today.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will official start our summer break. The boys have already been out of school for 3 days now. I am working out in my mind on the goals that I want to accomplish with both boys this summer. I want to get my youngest which is 15 to be more independent. I want him to be able to get up and get dressed, learn to open and fix himself a can of soup with crackers. I want him to be able to communicate his wants in an appropriate way. I want to keep my older son 18 on his writing and to get him able to spell simple words. I am still thinking what I think they will need to be more independent and prepared for the next school year. Wish me luck.