Wednesday, December 18, 2013

this stage in life

When I turned 40 years old it was really hard for me. I never dreamed that I was so much like my daddy and not wanting to get old. I hate that my hair is gray unless I keep color on it. I hate that I have a very hard time losing weight.  Even though I officially hit 30 lbs off mark but I am still fat!! and yes I am still fat because I have not went under the 200 mark yet. ( glad I don't have a lot of followers LOL) I guess in reality though if you see me in person you can see I am fat. Oh well!!

This is not the direction I was going in. I am having a hard time right now knowing that all of the children (now adults) that my sons went to school with are off at college, getting married, having babies and going on with their lives. There parents are all excited, with their babies new goals, graduating from college, going into the arm forces, and getting married. I know I sound whinny and like I am not appreciative of my sons accomplishments that is not the case at all. There are many times that I am so happy that I don't have to worry about broken hearts, drinking and driving, drugs, and leaving home. But a lot of the time it just breaks my heart. Seth would love to have a so called normal life like an iPhone that actually rings or makes a sound with real friends not just grandparents. I car or truck instead of a Kawasaki mule. A real job instead of picking up sticks in the woods and piling them back up or helping around the house. A girl friend, but most of all I wish Seth did not have anxiety for simple things, like cats, doing something different or new,  eat something other than chicken tenders when we go to a restaurant and wear shirts that are round neck without freaking out because I can not find any v-neck shirts and his are ragged.   For Clay it is entirely a whole other set of  dreams and wishes. I wish he could have a real friend, that his behavior did not rule his and our lives, that he could really enjoy everyday things with out biting his finger, pulling his pants down, or taking off his shirt. I wish he could carry on a real conversation, stop tearing up stuff and most of all wear more clothes than just his underwear in the house.

Alright that is enough negative, pity party for me. I am proud of my children more than anyone could ever imagine. I just having a  pity party day which I am sure all of us do at sometime or another. No one completely understands except other parents with special needs children or adults. That is enough about that.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Vicki, I am behind on reading blogs. Everybody has to vent now and then and speak what is in your heart.. You have done such a good job with your boys. I know it must be hard when you want so much for them to have everything. Only you would know what it has been like. I do know that lots of people admire you for your courage, and for the care and love you have given your sons. I love you Vicki.


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